Dear Mike Myers,
I've always liked you in terms of comedy and your clear love for Monty Python and British comedy. I thought you were funny in Wayne's World, amusing in Austin Powers.
Loading article content
The trouble is your concept of Great Britain is outdated. Britain is no longer great and the Kingdom far from United. It isn't like Swinging London anymore.
In Great Britain now, particularly in Scotland, people have to use food banks, because that is what the Tories and their cohorts have driven people to.
Homeless people in London are being moved along by a Conservative mayor who likes putting spikes in shop and office doors.
Most Scots have issues about anyone saying anything about their country. We aren't used to being centre of attention so, when people chip in with flippant generalisations, our default position is to immediately feel aggrieved.
We shouldn't be like that but that's the way the referendum has us, all fraught and tense. We are very raw at the moment and it's because people who don't live here, don't really know what it's like any more.
People are missing the point completely. We shouldn't be annoyed at your opinion. We should be annoyed at the patronising and ridiculous mentality behind asking what you thought of the referendum. This was clearly based on the voice-over of a very poor Scottish accent of a green ogre in Shrek.
The Mike Myers I thought I knew would've rebuked the interviewer for trivialising an important issue with such a preposterous suggestion.
It's not your fault that the press like to throw a kilt over a story and suddenly you're all over the news. I would've expected you to say: Why are you asking me such a dumb ass question?
Then maybe you could've suggested they call Russ Abbott and ask him what the guy who says CU Jimmy with the really bad Scottish accent thinks?
In fact, let's not stop there. Why not ask Simon Pegg as Scotty in Star Trek? Yes or no? Robin Williams as Mrs Doubtfire or Mel Gibson's Wallace in Braveheart.They're all up there in the bad Scotch (sic) accent table.
I don't like judging people purely based on the way they come across on TV. Politics especially should never become like X Factor, a talent show with a Vote Now!!! option. Ant and Dec interviewing a crestfallen Ed Miliband as he's voted off.
Look how well Nick Clegg did in the debates before the last general election? Stupid people watched and stupid people voted. 'He's good on the telly…I'm voting for him. I like the way he talks. All his ideas sound great.'
Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Ghandi, Harry S Truman (and now me!) have all said: 'If you want to judge a man's character, give him power.'
It's true, as soon as he got a whiff of power all those promises, sorry pledges, went out of the window. It all worked out well for him, he is in the heart of government with David Cameron, making the tea for Cabinet meetings, sitting on the front bench with no sense of shame and or irony. All thanks to TV.
I only highlight politicians on TV because yet again, Alan Johnson was on Question Time and effortlessly proved why he was the best Labour leader and possible PM they never had. He speaks clearly and effectively and the man on the street identifies with him.
His books also show he is a man of worth and integrity. In This Boy he describes growing up in the 1950s, with a single mum who dies young and his sister has to bring him up. Maybe that would go against him, he's too much of a socialist? Believes too much in fairness and equality.
He is unusual in Westminster politics, he's actually popular and brings the good elements of New Labour mixed with the old school tradition, best of all he's pragmatic.
You don't imagine he would want to forget where he came from. Labour in Westminster need strong leadership and Johnson is more than capable of putting Cameron and Osborne in their place. If he was Labour leader now, going into a general election, Labour would win.
There's still hope, last week he claimed he had 'no desire whatsoever' to return to a job in frontline politics. A sure fire code in politics that it could be on. (Rule 1 in the MP handbook. Say one thing, do the other). Best of all, he's a Mod.
In case you missed it, Monty Python are back and doing their run at the O2 Arena in London. One of their sketches is called Ministry For Funny Walks. Now that is quite appropriate as thousands of like minded funny walkers take to the streets of West Central Scotland in a Festival of let's call it Dutch Country and Western.
If I was in the walk and played the flute I'd tweak the set list, let's play The Hustle by Van McCoy. Perhaps in a new more enlightened post-Independence landscape there could actually be a real Minister of Funny Walks who does something to stop bitterness and hatred and antagonism (on both sides) and stops no end of woes with traffic chaos and people walking their dog.
Celebrating something that happened 300 years ago. I mean it's not like Scotland isn't a forward thinking country (see Bannockburn 1314, last week's big weekender).
I do find the idea of them all marching in the style of John Cleese in a bowler hat to Do The Hustle, ludicrously funny. It would take 10 hours and two new hips to walk a mile.
Alex Salmond, for the sake of comedy of course, should be wondering what his next act of sabotage should be against Donald Trump? His subtle offshore wind farm number managed to beat Trump's Aberdeenshire dream. Now the second war of wits should move to Turnberry.
Donald Trump was in town playing the media, giving them what they want, forever the showman. You have to salute the way Trump self promotes. The photo ops for the cameras…the posing of the You're Fired gesture for the press and media. He plays the part of brash American billionaire like a natural. He also controls everything in interviews.
I caught one and he was pushed over the issue of wind farms off his course in Aberdeenshire. He referred to them as costly eyesores; windmills that kill birds. He isn't Donald Trump, more Donald Quixote tilting and fighting at the windmills, thinking they're giants. They are wind turbines man, not windmills. What kind of bread would those mills make? I'm guessing it would be wet. He also mentioned there were cheaper and easier ways to generate energy. All of which brings me nicely to my first idea, fracking.
Why doesn't Salmond pretend he has plans for a proposal to try some exploratory tests and a possible feasibility study to give the go-ahead for use of hydraulic fracturing technology or fracking?
Secondly, all for the sake of banter of course, would be to take over Ailsa Craig and fit it out with old anti-tank guns and fill them not with explosives but with sacks full of nasty big midges or rotten eggs. Next, we could set up a huge PA system the size of the ones from Glastonbury or T in the Park and play speed metal and hard core punk all day.
Finally, if all else fails, go to the fish markets in Ayr and Troon and around the coast, buy up loads of rotten and decaying fish, and sneak on at night and plank fish in all the bunkers, bury them in the fairways, in the holes, then sit back and watch the seagulls descend.
Glasgow is to receive £1bn worth of investment. Funny how that's happening now? The city must feel like a bride marrying a particularly stupid, dumb but incredibly rich footballer or oligarch.
Trying to stay cool as everyone throws money at them. Acting all bashful and coy but dying to squeal I'm rich! I'm rich!