SCOTTISH Labour’s disconnect with the voters grows fatal, we fear. Spindoctor Alan Roden last week issued a breathless press release stating, in its entirety: “NEWS FROM SCOTTISH LABOUR. EMBARGO: IMMEDIATE. NEW POLL REVEALS PUBLIC.” Those who already knew the public exists were unimpressed. Red Roddo duly took to Twitter to apologise: “It’s gonna be a long day. Sadly this was all down to my fat fingers.” Or did he mean cat singers?

RODDO tried to make up for it by playing Santa and buying Labour's staff a dozen advent calendars. Alas, he chose Dairy Milk, whose owners Mondelez were attacked just last year by Labour for not paying UK corporation tax since 2010. D’oh!

WHAT’S wrong with the youth of today? Tory mini-me Oliver ‘Son of David’ Mundell was showing some pupils round parliament on his birthday last week, when they burst into song for the occasion and even produced a cake for the Borders MSP. It was all too upsetting for one Labour bypasser. “In my day, we would have been fighting to see whose turn it was to shout abuse at the class traitor,” they winced. “Now they're baking them bloody cakes!"

MAGNUS Gardham, late of this parish, has been learning the hard way how Scotland Office gophers rank in the eyes of the top brass. Helping Chancellor Philip Hammond with a press briefing at Heriot Watt Uni on Thursday, he was told he would not be returning in the official motorcade, as a Treasury bum needed his seat. So, in a choice metaphor of London's view of Scotland, he was forced to cadge a lift back to Holyrood in a taxi.

SPREADSHEET Phil’s Holyrood trip also caused a bit of a stooshie in a lift. Going up to Level 4 of the MSP block, SNP spindoctor Fergus Mutch was suddenly ordered out at Level 3 by security so the Chancellor and his entourage could descend in peace. As he’d already pushed the button for 4, he ran upstairs to enjoy a baffled Mr Hammond arriving at the wrong floor. The Chancellor’s expression, our mole reports, was the very definition of “glaikit”.

THE latest YouGov poll highlighted flagging support for the SNP and independence. But Unspun spotted improving numbers for the leftie RISE alliance. True, the figures were low, but they were consistent. Support for the Scots Trots was always higher among the chattering ABC1 classes than the C2DEs they claim to represent. Viva G12!

UK LibDem leader Tim Farron loves name-dropping, judging by his recent visit to Edinburgh. He proudly revealed he and Willie Rennie would soon meet Guy Verhofstadt, the European Parliament’s top Brexit negotiator. “That’s the advantage we’ve got over either Nicola Sturgeon or Theresa May,” he gushed. “He’s our mate, and he’s the leader of our party in Europe.” Mr Verhofstadt is actually leader of the liberal ALDE group in Brussels, which has 69 MEPs, including the UK LibDem contingent - of one. Still, good spinning, that man.