STRANGE scenes at Scottish Labour HQ on election night, we hear. So deep does the hatred of the SNP run in some quarters that it seems members of Kezia Dugdale’s team actually cheered the election of Tory MPs because it took out Nat incumbents. Alex Salmond’s defeat, in particular, induced a state of near rapture in some. Many of their Old Labour colleagues, however, were reportedly disgusted by the noisy enthusiasm for the auld enemy.

NOR were the Tories were the only beneficiaries of Labour support. After months of urging punters to back Labour in Edinburgh, the key organiser in the capital, Shonagh Munro, didn’t even vote for her own side. Registered in East Dunbartonshire, she later confessed to voting “tactically” for LibDem Jo Swinson against Nat John Nicolson. Not one for the party CV...

EVEN more strangeness on the Commons terrace on Tuesday as SNP MPs and staffers gave former colleagues, including police favourite Michelle Thomson, a prolonged liquid send-off. Unspun hears bystanders couldn’t take their eyes off the revels, in a dumpster fire sort of way. Our witness reports two woozy participants even appeared to engage in some “straddling”. To safeguard the nation’s sanity, we have chosen not to name them.

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MIXED feelings in list MSP Alex Rowley’s household at the election. The Scottish Labour deputy was chuffed to see his daughter Danielle elected as the MP for Midlothian. But you know you’re getting old when your kids get what you can’t manage any more - a seat.

FINALLY on Scottish Labour, an explanation for some of its recent outpourings. We hear a pigeon recently flew into the press office and liberally decorated the spin doctors' PCs. “It’s like that old computer adage,” reflects our mole. “S*** in equals s*** out.”

DESPITE having the fewest Scottish MPs, the LibDems made up for it in hype when Willie Rennie met them in Westminster last week. A press release declared they would “celebrate humongous victories”. Mr Rennie has now been nicknamed Lord Humungus, after the bandit leader in Mad Max 2, who, fittingly for the LibDems, was also known as “the warrior of the wasteland”.

STERN faces at the Scottish Tories’ post-election press call in Stirling, when a party gopher pitched up with a pair of toy pandas he’d just bought in Ikea. Maybe there could be a gag about more Tory MPs than pandas in Scotland? This was tutted away as being too frivolous. The culprit? We regret to say it was Magnus ‘formerly of this parish’ Gardham.

HOLYROOD debate of the week was Christine Grahame’s attack on gamekeepers’ middens - holes filled with rotten meat to lure predators. She complained “whole salmon” sometimes ended up in them, which was “fundamentally disrespectful to the creatures”. What did she expect? Burial at sea? However she did have a top name for her motion: “Stink Pits Stink.”