IN these days of carefully choreographed, hermetically-sealed, squeaky clean, business-suited party conferences, there was a frisson of excitement among the comrades when Ed "bite your legs" Balls took to the stage.

The Shadow Chancellor, who always carries a hint of menace and a desire to stick it to those nasty Tories, bounced up on the podium fresh from the scars of his football match with those effete Westminster hacks.

Scurrilously, the full-bodied frontbencher was accused of diving for a penalty, which led to the hacks branding the incident "Dive-gate" while ministers were going around the conference corridors, defending their striker's honour. Such things are, it seems, important to politicians.

With a curious backdrop – socialist red has been replaced by Conservative electric blue and imperial purple favoured by Tony Blair's New Labour – the would-be Chancellor began to kick the shins of David Cameron and George Osborne.

The Yorkshire terrier picked up on the PM's reshuffle via a snap at Andrew Mitchell's plebeian moment in Downing Street.

"Conference," barked Ed, "what kind of Prime Minister thinks it's fair to sack a 54-year-old woman from his Cabinet because she's 'too old' – and then give the job to a 56-year-old man instead?

"Let me tell you: A Prime Minister who only appoints five women in the first place, sacks three of them, demotes the other two – and then attacks the Labour leadership for not being 'butch' enough."

The comrades chuckled.

"Butch? Butch? Whatever did he mean?" questioned the Shadow Chancellor.

"And if David Cameron is butch, where does that leave George Osborne?" The comrades chuckled some more.

"Perhaps this is why George Osborne will never be sacked. A Prime Minister and a Chancellor destined to go down fighting together. And this time, let's see them riding off into the sunset. Butch Cameron and the Flat-line Kid."

The comrades burst into applause as, for a brief moment, Ed had turned into the old Labour rottweiler John Prescott.

The Shadow Chancellor went on to slam the economic insanity of Coalition policies, decrying the "same old Tories" – Cameron, Osborne – Clegg.

Ed received his biggest cheer when he mentioned Labour's finest achievement – the NHS. The Shadow Chancellor glowed as he spoke about the Olympic opening ceremony that showcased "the greatest health service in the world".

The conference hall erupted with a full-throated roar; the button had been successfully pushed. Ed beamed; the ball was in the back of the net.