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Hair-raising stuff amid battle of the barnets

YOU can see why Donald Trump and wind don't mix.

Where we see turbines, Trump imagines giant fans.

A single gust could set his combover back months.

Just how much the US tycoon loathes "windmills", as he calls them, became clear at Holyrood's Economy, Energy, and Tourism Committee, which is holding an inquiry into renewables.

As Tory chair Murdo Fraser pretended it was about more than embarrassing the Government, Trump gazed impassively over the MSPs like an Easter Island statue in a straw hat.

"My name is Donald Trump," he began modestly. He was never modest again, advertising his hotels, resorts, $7 billion net worth, and even a recent medal from the President of Georgia.

Whatever it was awarded for, it wasn't restraint.

He started with the turbines that could soon loom over his Menie golf course, despite it being, at the very least, the best in the universe. More turbines would destroy Scotland, he warned.

As such heresy jars with Alex Salmond's grand plans, SNP MSPs were quick to attack. They lost.

First slain was Chic Brodie, who until Trump's arrival had been the unchallenged owner of Holyrood's worst hairdo, a glossy black helmet and sideburns that earned him the nickname Elvis. Smarting at demotion, a clash was inevitable.

After citing statistics backing wind, he demanded to see the evidence justifying the doom-mongering.

Trump's bouffant reared up like a rutting stag.

"I am the evidence," he declared with a rumble of Old Testament thunder. "I am considered a world-class expert in tourism. I am the evidence."

But the duelling barnets were only a warm-up.

Trump swivelled his sights onto Alex Salmond.

The FM assured him over dinner in New York that his local turbines were doomed, he said. Poor Donald, he was "lured" to Scotland, invested millions, then "betrayed" by the wily locals.

After finishing by denying man-made climate change, Trump held a press conference where Anthony Baxter, director of You've Been Trumped, a film about the Menie golf course, was waiting.

"I haven't seen your documentary, but I hear it failed miserably," Trump growled. It won 10 awards, Baxter replied.

Outside, as he posed for snaps, a large orange balloon rose behind him bearing the word WIGS (Wind is Good Scotland), and a pro-wind protester rubbed it on his head, no doubt charging the Trump locks with enough electricity to stun a mule.

At which, he harrumphed to his blacked-out Ranger Rover, trailing clouds of static in his wake.

It's true what they say – money can buy most things, but it can't buy you dignity.

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