At least, that was the devilish picture LibDem Willie Rennie drew at FMQs, asking why 130,000 two-year-olds in England get free nursery education, but just a few hundred here.
You imagined quivering tots, damp eyes raised to the Salmond scowl as it peered over the fleshy horizon of his stomach, and a great evil chuckle: "Sorry son, not with those short trousers."
The FM could do more if he wanted, said Rennie, but yoked better childcare to independence.
"He's only going to give two-year-olds what they need when he gets what he wants," he hissed.
Salmond ignored the Scottish angle, said the English scheme was rubbish, and flopped down in a strop. He then fell out with Labour's Johann Lamont over a measly half-billion quid.
That being the sum Nicola Sturgeon left off the official bill for government infrastructure projects - put at £3.3bn not £3.8bn.
"Nicola Sturgeon seems to be running her department with the same competence [as] she's running the Yes campaign," said Lamont.
"She missed half a billion pounds!"
In terms Salmond would understand, that's "nigh on 1000 trips to the Ryder Cup".
Dismissing a "rather tame and insubstantial" attack, Salmond told Lamont to concentrate on the "extraordinary success of the NPD programme".
As NPD stands for Non-Profit Distribution, but increasingly means No Progress Dammit, Labour MSPs were generous in their scorn.
If the SNP can lose £500m, imagine how flawed its independence plans must be, cried Lamont. The FM wobbled like a two-year-old's bottom lip.
"After months of preparation that's the exact equivalent of Johann Lamont's questioning," he burbled, before getting lost in a riff about 1970s oil estimates.
The bouncer had been expertly bounced.