THE Swiss ambassador was in the gallery for First Minister's Questions today.

If he was looking for peace and neutrality, he was in the wrong place.

With Johann Lamont away applying her politburo grimace to Tony Benn's funeral, Jackie Baillie was left to defend Labour's corner, but the demented feuding never skipped a beat.

If anything, the First Minister even ramped it up a notch, in a mark of tribute/contempt for his new sparring partner.

Ms Baillie's strategy was, as they say, bold.

No, scratch that. Not bold, barking. That's the word. Plain old-fashioned barking. And doomed. And hopeless. And probably on fire as well.

It was - get this - to ask the FM to apologise.

Oh how we laughed.

Alex Salmond? Apologise? To Labour?

Not only that, she wanted him to admit he'd been wrong and Labour had been spot on with Ed Miliband's plan to freeze energy bills.

Seriously, why not put in a demand for a pair of space unicorns while you're at it?

With no prospect of Mr Salmond complying, the proceedings turned enjoyably frivolous instead.

As the FM ignored the Miliband plan in order to big up the SNP's counter-wheeze of a £70 cut in bills by subsidising energy companies, Ms Baillie accused him of "standing shoulder to shoulder with David Cameron" on the issue.

The SNP backbenches exploded.

Ms Baillie, they recalled, is a director of the Better Together campaign (No1 fan D.Cameron).

Mr Salmond could scarcely believe his luck.

"Can I say to Jackie Baillie, when you're in a Better Together campaign, not just shoulder to shoulder, but hand-in-glove, umbilically linked to the Conservative party, it's not the best idea to come along to this chamber and try and associate people with guilt by the Conservative Party.

"The Labour Party are an extension of the Conservative Party!"

Ms Baillie's comeback was to say it clearly didn't matter who asked the questions, the FM never supplied an answer.

This was rather unfair.

It mattered that Ms Baillie was asking, because she offered Ms Salmond so much more ammo.

She was funny too.

She asked the FM to show "humility". Hilarious.

Ms Baillie's last thrash-about was to claim independence would cost each household £875 in higher energy bills, because UK renewable subsidies would disappear.

"Is 'sorry' simply the First Minister's hardest word?" she asked. Was it ever in doubt?

The FM gingerly held up a piece of paper.

"I have here the Argyll & Bute Conservative Party website," he commenced, before quoting one of its notices.

"The Cowal Conservative lunch club. Venue Argyll Hotel. Secretary Pamela Bellaby. Lunch, tea and coffee £10. Speaker... Jackie Baillie MSP."

As Ms Baillie did her best to shrug through the gale of laughter, some Nat MSPs looked on the brink of incontinence - the far brink.

"I've heard of shoulder to shoulder," the FM galloped on, "but I should tell the Labour Party, if you sup with the Tory party you should use a long spoon."

At least Ms Lamont can rest assured that Labour standards were maintained in her absence.