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#Paul … a referendum play in tweets

On Tuesday afternoon someone posted the link to the Better Together campaign TV broadcast on Twitter.

Although I was astonished that a campaign could think that it was acceptable to talk to Scottish women in that way, I did also think she was funny. She just shone as a sort of monstrous sitcom character.

As the evening wore on, people started posting funny comments and responses on social media. Fuelled by white wine, disbelief and mischief, I joined in. The tweets are reprinted below with asterisks over the swearing. If you enjoy #Paul you may also enjoy the very funny #havingacuppa videos which real Scottish women are posting on the Women For Independence Facebook page.

#PAUL

So there's this guy, Paul, every morning he gets up early, gives his kids their cereal and discusses the issues of the day with them.

They've been asking about the referendum. Paul's been doing a wish tree with them. He's taken them to a Q and A session with Nicola Sturgeon.

The kids are actually pretty interested in the referendum. Paul and them have good craic about who the leaders are, why we have a queen & so on.

Wee Lauren's even a member of GenYes. They have a laugh, Paul & the kids. But then every morning … down comes mum & everything goes quiet.

The kids keep their heads low over their Cheerios. They don't want to catch her eye. Paul offers her a cup of tea. 'Love, would you like a -'

'CHAT ABOUT THE F***ING REFERENDUM!' She screams. She knocks the mug out of Paul's hand. 'A CHAT ABOUT THAT MAN ON THE F***ING TELLY?' 'No … I just -'

'Daddy was telling us about the commonweal' says Lauren. 'F***ING WAS HE?' She picks up a cereal bowl and pours it over Lauren's head. 'F***ING POOL THESE F***ING RESOURCES'

She opens the fridge. Kieran cries. Paul tries to mop up the mess. 'WHERE'S THE TITTING WINE?'

'But darling -' 'SHUT IT YOU'. She uncorks another Prosecco. 'DID YOU LEAVE THAT COPY OF BLOSSOM NEXT TO THE BOG?' Paul nods weakly.

'Did you read it?' He asks. 'It's quite interesting on community energy & Nordic healthcare solutions.' She fixes him with a cold look. 'READ IT?'

'I F***ING DID NOT READ IT. I SHOVED IT DOWN THE PAN & I F***ING SHAT ON IT!' Paul reels. Mum laughs, slugs back the cool wine.

'GET THOSE F***ING BRATS TO SCHOOL' She hisses. 'But… I thought… Isn't it your turn?' 'NOT TODAY!' 'But why?' Asks Paul bewildered.

'BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO FILM AN ADVERT FOR BETTER TOGETHER!' She slams down the empty glass. Looks at Paul with cold pity. Refills it. 'WHERE'S MY NUROFEN?'

Paul hustles the kids out the door. 'Can we stop at the National Collective Art Cave on the way daddy?' asks Kieran. 'Course we can love. Put on your anorak.'

'Oh goody,' says Kieran, 'I want to add my wish to the wish tree. I'm wishing for more local democracy. What are you wishing for Lauren?'

'I'm wishing for switchers to take power from the national grid to islands like Eigg so we can use renewables to their full potential.'

A glass smashes behind Kieran's head 'SHUT IT YOU CYBERNAT BRATS!' Paul quickly clears the debris. 'Let's go' he whispers.

Outside, in the damp morning air Paul turned and looked back at the house. Bright TV lights glared through the kitchen window.

Rain glistened on the window pane, shimmering. Lauren tugged his arm. 'Let's go daddy. I want to write my poem for tonight's slam.'

'I wonder what mummy will say in her advert.' Kieran wiped his wet face with a sleeve. 'I wonder too.' thought Paul. 'I wonder too.'

Inside, She adjusted her hair, a boom mike fell into place. 'Grasp the tea, love' said the director. 'Now, tell us what you're thinking…'

FINIS

David Greig is a playwright. He lives in Fife. He can be followed on Twitter @daviegreig

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