A PAIR of SNP MSPs faced a killer question on a recent primary school visit.

'Who do you like most, Alex Salmond or Nicola Sturgeon?' asked one of the 50 pupils. There is, of course, no safe answer to that one. Panic-stricken, the politicians asked the children who they preferred. A bullet dodged! But before they could congratulate themselves on an ingenious escape, the result came in: just two votes for Mr Salmond. Now they live in dread of him finding out.

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WATCHING Newsnight on Tuesday, Unspun was irresistibly reminded of A Clockwork Orange. As readers will recall, the book features an uncontrollable rogue called Alex who is forced to watch shocking films to cure him. In an uncanny parallel, Newsnight made Alex Salmond watch a clip of Nicola Sturgeon charming America on the Daily Show. "Her leadership seems less divisive than yours," enthused presenter Evan Davis, swooning over the FM. "Different strokes for different folks," muttered the Right Honorable Droog for Gordon.

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ON Nicola Sturgeon's tour of the US, she was keen to spread the word of the inclusive nature of her brand of nationalism. Anyone who chose to live in her home country was a Scot in her eyes, she told an audience in Washington DC.

This claim apparently jarred with one observer, a Gerry Livingston from the German Historical Institute, whose ancestors did not enjoy such hospitality in an independent Scotland. "My family was banished from Scotland in 1662 after the restoration of Charles II," he complained.

"Can I say I'm very sorry you were banished from Scotland," replied a remorseful FM. "As First Minister now I hereby formally lift the ban. You're welcome back any time you like and I'll greet you at the airport just to underline that."

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The AGM of the Educational Institute of Scotland teaching union in Perth heard concerns about the level of debt facing students. Perhaps John Inglis, from the union's East Lothian branch, should have consulted science department colleagues before telling the meeting students were "facing an uphill struggle to keep their heads above water".

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The Former First Minister, who remains an Aberdeenshire MSP, made a surprise return to his old stomping ground of Holyrood on Thursday, taking a seat on the backbenches for FMQs.

But apparently, after a few weeks in the Commons Alex Salmond has already forgotten how to ask a question at the Scottish Parliament.

His old adversary, Johann Lamont, spotted him bobbing up from his chair in a bid to catch the Presiding Officer's eye, as is the custom at Westminster when attempting to gain the speaker's attention.

"Not so much rumbling up Westminster as bringing his fancy ways to Holyrood" observed the former Scottish Labour leader.