Tom Gordon
IT'S said that when victorious Roman generals returned to the city in triumph, a slave would stand on their chariot whispering "Remember you are mortal" to make sure they didn't get big ideas and start acting like Alex Salmond.
Well, the first bit's meant to be true at any rate.
Clad in deepest imperial purple for the first FMQs since vanquishing Alba's rival tribes, Nicola Sturgeon didn't need a slave to remind her of mortality.
She just had to to look at the Labour benches.
It was not a sight for the faint-hearted.
Row upon row of the unemployable staring into space, eyes as blank as their CVs.
Deputy Kezia Dugdale, who hasn't realised she's dead yet, lurched to her feet with a complaint about schools.
Apparently standards are falling faster than kids can say their ACBs.[CORRECT]
She cited a report that found pupils sitting fewer exams and getting lower grades.
But while it sounded serious, the voice of the dead carries no weight.
"I will not stand here and allow Kezia Dugdale to traduce the achievements of young people and their teachers," Ms Sturgeon retorted airily.
Ms Dugdale's skull kept flapping.
Low attainment among poor families, falling numeracy and literacy, college numbers plummeting, young people let down: "Is this really a report card to be proud of?"
The FM swore blind that nothing mattered more to her in life than tip-top pedagogy.
Except perhaps putting the boot in.
Talking of "damning indictments and report cards," she smiled, how about that election result, eh?
"The Scottish people issued their own report card on Scottish Labour just last week, and that resulted in Scottish Labour getting its worst election result and its lowest share of the vote in living memory. That is what the people think of Scottish Labour."
Labour MSPs emitted a zombie-like groan. Or maybe it was just the wind in their ribs.
Taking no chances, Ms Sturgeon put them out their misery with a killer line.
"I heard this morning that a letter is circulating. People are being asked to sign to keep Jim Murphy in a job as Scottish Labour leader. I have only thing to ask Kezia Dugdale-where can I sign?"
Mourners for Scottish Labour are asked to send flowers to a former MP of their choice.
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