Tom Gordon

THERE was a curious Star Wars vibe to FMQs today.

First, there was a dodgy sequel.

Iain Gray, as he reminded us, last acted as Labour leader 183 weeks ago.

Nicola Sturgeon welcomed him back "briefly - although with Labour these days, who knows?"

Then there was the Death Star, aka the planet-sized South Glasgow University Hospital before overwhelmed staff and patients renamed it.

Opened in April, it already has the worst A&E waiting times in Scotland.

Trading cutely on his long exile, Mr Gray said 183 weeks certainly was a lot, but how many was it since the SNP last met its national A&E targets?

The FM, flinching nonchalantly, said nine in 10 patients were being seen on time.

Ah, but nine in 10 isn't the target, said Mr Gray, quick as a light sabre. Ok, a 40W one.

The truth, he said, was the SNP had missed the four-hour target 296 weeks in a row.

"That is not good enough - we intend to meet the target," breathed the SNP's Darth Leader, balling a leather fist at the thought of Shona Robison in a choke hold.

"It seems obvious that if we spend £850m on a hospital it should be the best," continued the rebel Gray. "Now it is being described as a 'war zone'."

Ms Sturgeon angrily reminded him what to think.

"The term 'war zone' is not appropriate to use in relation to any Empire hospitals," she hissed.

Besides, Labour wanted to close A&Es but the SNP kept them open and protected budgets.

"That is what a responsible, competent government does and it is probably the reason why I am standing here right now and Iain Gray is not."

Behind her, the Nat backbenchers burbled approvingly like the creatures in the Cantina scene.

But the rebel alliance pushed on, with Ruth Davidson piling in over NHS bed losses and rising vacancies, and Willie Rennie warning of a crisis caused by a galaxy of retiring GPs.

"There is a theme emerging here today," growled the FM, prompting opposition mutterings of, "Aye, you're rubbish".

That theme, she continued, was "the opposition likes to come to the chamber with problems; this is the Government that focuses on finding solutions".

But if it ain't broke, why all the solutions? Alas, the force is not strong with this health service.