Tom Gordon
THE last FMQs of the Holyrood year is traditionally a light-hearted affair.
With MSPs gagging for summer recess, there's an air of irreverent, seaside fun to the place.
Ignoring good advice, some giddy politicians even try a joke or two. Like Labour's Iain Gray.
But don't let the name fool you - he's far less colourful in person.
Wearing his trademark huffy look of a man who's just had sand kicked in his candyfloss, he began by declaring he was "famous for levity". If only it had been brevity.
"I was tempted to ask the FM what she's doing to save the macaroni pie," he said, referring to the national debate over Greggs axing its famous Scots-Italian fusion dish.
"But I would never get four bites out of that!"
A polite groan limped round the chamber.
He followed that zinger with a rambling complaint about problems in childcare.
Touched by the plight of a drowning man, Nicola Sturgeon threw him a life belt.
"Let me deal with the important matter of the macaroni pie," she replied kindly.
"I have a confession. I am not a lover of the macaroni pie. However my father is, and I got a stern talking to on the telephone last night that he expected me to join the campaign to save the macaroni pie. And I've always been an obedient and loyal daughter."
As for Mr Gray's comedy debut, "he's not done much for his reputation for levity today," she noted with heroic understatement.
"Well," shot back the human laughter factory, "when it comes to levity I know I'm a stand-in, but we should probably both admit that neither of are us stand-ups!"
Even the tumbleweed wilted in embarrassment.
The rest was little better, as Ruth Davidson complained about (non-Eton) colleges, and all end-of-term frivolity seemed to ebb away.
Finally, Labour backbencher Neil Findlay snapped things back to life by noisily identifying "an employment crisis in local government".
Ms Sturgeon rounded on him. "Neil Findlay seems to live in a parallel universe," she said.
Labour was "pitiful", she added.
"I can't help thinking that if only UK Labour had had the guts to stand up against Tory austerity, we might not have another Tory Government looking to impose more austerity."
You don't always need a bucket and spade to bury someone.
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