“OK caller. You’re through to the part-time MP for Gordon. I used to be someone, you know.”
That, honestly, is how Alex Salmond ought to have started his regular phone-in slot on LBC today, as he fielded questions from prickly folk with nothing better to do of an afternoon.
The reality was more prosaic: “It’s Wednesday, it’s just gone four o’clock, and this is the Alex Salmond phone-in on LBC. I’m here every week at the same time for half an hour.”
Ahead of his new radio show, Mr Salmond said he would “shoot straight from the hip” now he was “unburdened from office”.
If anyone thinks Mr Salmond felt “unburdened” resigning as First Minister after the No vote, rather than utterly crushed, they need their dials re-tuned.
But he was true to his word about firing off a few rounds - most at Donald Trump, and almost as many at callers who nagged him about oil and independence. It did not start swimmingly.
First up, Paul from St Albans wanted to know how an independent Scotland would be faring now oil was around $30 a barrel when Mr Salmond had reckoned it would be $110.
“Prices go low, prices go high,” Mr Salmond said philosophically, but every country with oil is glad to have it. “I’ve some really good ideas on stimulating activity- "
“That’s not the question Paul asked though,” cut in anchor Iain Dale.
Mr Salmond digressed again, this time in the direction of Norway’s dreamy £600bn oil fund.
Mr Dale pressed him on Scotland would have filled a £10bn budget deficit if it had voted Yes.
“Countries have deficits, the UK has a deficit, Scotland would have a deficit,” said Mr Salmond, reddening. “What I’m saying is you’re still far better to have a natural resource.”
“That’s a statement of the obvious,” shot back the host.
“Yeah, of course it is,” said Mr Salmond, with unusual candour.
Paul demanded to know how many Scottish taxpayers would have to fill the black hole.
Mr Salmond seemed to forget a video of the phone-in was being broadcast online.
His eyes darkened like a shark’s. His face tightened. With his headphones standing proud of his skull, he looked like a homicidal Mickey Mouse.
“You don’t really want to insult the whole of Scotland,” he growled. “Don’t start talking about Scotland, from your position in St Albans, as some poor wee place up north somewhere.”
Paul was incensed: “I’m not doing that at all Mr Salmond. Don’t put words in my mouth!”
Mr Dale moved the conversation on. “Very spirited,” he said.
Thomas in Glasgow then goaded Mr Salmond about “his boss”, Nicola Sturgeon, wanting a second referendum, despite him declaring it a once-in-a-generation event.
Mr Salmond said he’d meant a “political generation” of 18 years.
“He’s gone back on his word then,” said Thomas. “He’s splitting hairs.”
Mr Salmond’s eyebrows tilted heavenwards in exasperation.
God save me from this Unionist buffoon, they twitched.
Instant relief came with Joe from Falkirk’s underarm lob about an English national anthem.
A great idea, reckoned Mr Salmond, who suggested William Blake’s masterpiece Jerusalem.
Joe suggested the 1998 World Cup hit Vindaloo by Fat Les.
"Whatever happened to Fat Les?" mused Mr Salmond, tempting unkind comments about his physique.
It got meatier when Andrew from Tayside said it would be a “negative, backward step” if, as the SNP want, Donald Trump was banned from the UK for his comments about Muslims.
Here, Mr Salmond was on familiar ground. He can’t stand Mr Trump.
His remarks were “racist stuff” and the Home Secretary should treat him like anyone else accused of hate speech, not privilege him because he is a Presidential candidate.
“As long as Donald Trump owns Turnberry I think it’s impossible for the Royal & Ancient to take the Open there, and every time they don’t take the Open there that costs Scotland and Turnberry £100m.” So should The Donald divest himself of his Scottish courses?
“Certainly Turnberry. It would be a better thing for Scotland if it wasn't Trump Turnberry. I'd like it to go back to just being Turnberry golf course."
He even threw in an outlandish suggestion about a “toupee”. As if.
There were also matters of more substance than Mr Trump’s hair.
Mr Salmond said it would not be right or fair to have the EU referendum in June, which would mean the In-Out campaign overlapped the Scottish, Welsh, NI and London elections.
And if Scotland voted In, but the overall UK vote was Out, “the pressure to have an early referendum on Scottish independence under these circumstances would be irresistible".
After similar LBC phone-ins with Nick Clegg, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson, Mr Dale judged his newest partner had been “mostly straight talking, not a 100 per cent I would say”.
Mr Salmond laughed. “More than the other lot.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel