“OK caller. You’re through to the part-time MP for Gordon. I used to be someone, you know.”

That, honestly, is how Alex Salmond ought to have started his regular phone-in slot on LBC today, as he fielded questions from prickly folk with nothing better to do of an afternoon.

The reality was more prosaic: “It’s Wednesday, it’s just gone four o’clock, and this is the Alex Salmond phone-in on LBC. I’m here every week at the same time for half an hour.”

Ahead of his new radio show, Mr Salmond said he would “shoot straight from the hip” now he was “unburdened from office”.

If anyone thinks Mr Salmond felt “unburdened” resigning as First Minister after the No vote, rather than utterly crushed, they need their dials re-tuned.

But he was true to his word about firing off a few rounds - most at Donald Trump, and almost as many at callers who nagged him about oil and independence. It did not start swimmingly.

First up, Paul from St Albans wanted to know how an independent Scotland would be faring now oil was around $30 a barrel when Mr Salmond had reckoned it would be $110.

“Prices go low, prices go high,” Mr Salmond said philosophically, but every country with oil is glad to have it. “I’ve some really good ideas on stimulating activity- "

“That’s not the question Paul asked though,” cut in anchor Iain Dale.

Mr Salmond digressed again, this time in the direction of Norway’s dreamy £600bn oil fund.

Mr Dale pressed him on Scotland would have filled a £10bn budget deficit if it had voted Yes.

“Countries have deficits, the UK has a deficit, Scotland would have a deficit,” said Mr Salmond, reddening. “What I’m saying is you’re still far better to have a natural resource.”

“That’s a statement of the obvious,” shot back the host.

“Yeah, of course it is,” said Mr Salmond, with unusual candour.

Paul demanded to know how many Scottish taxpayers would have to fill the black hole.

Mr Salmond seemed to forget a video of the phone-in was being broadcast online.

His eyes darkened like a shark’s. His face tightened. With his headphones standing proud of his skull, he looked like a homicidal Mickey Mouse.

“You don’t really want to insult the whole of Scotland,” he growled. “Don’t start talking about Scotland, from your position in St Albans, as some poor wee place up north somewhere.”

Paul was incensed: “I’m not doing that at all Mr Salmond. Don’t put words in my mouth!”

Mr Dale moved the conversation on. “Very spirited,” he said.

Thomas in Glasgow then goaded Mr Salmond about “his boss”, Nicola Sturgeon, wanting a second referendum, despite him declaring it a once-in-a-generation event.

Mr Salmond said he’d meant a “political generation” of 18 years.

“He’s gone back on his word then,” said Thomas. “He’s splitting hairs.”

Mr Salmond’s eyebrows tilted heavenwards in exasperation.

God save me from this Unionist buffoon, they twitched.

Instant relief came with Joe from Falkirk’s underarm lob about an English national anthem.

A great idea, reckoned Mr Salmond, who suggested William Blake’s masterpiece Jerusalem.

Joe suggested the 1998 World Cup hit Vindaloo by Fat Les.

"Whatever happened to Fat Les?" mused Mr Salmond, tempting unkind comments about his physique.

It got meatier when Andrew from Tayside said it would be a “negative, backward step” if, as the SNP want, Donald Trump was banned from the UK for his comments about Muslims.

Here, Mr Salmond was on familiar ground. He can’t stand Mr Trump.

His remarks were “racist stuff” and the Home Secretary should treat him like anyone else accused of hate speech, not privilege him because he is a Presidential candidate.

“As long as Donald Trump owns Turnberry I think it’s impossible for the Royal & Ancient to take the Open there, and every time they don’t take the Open there that costs Scotland and Turnberry £100m.” So should The Donald divest himself of his Scottish courses?

“Certainly Turnberry. It would be a better thing for Scotland if it wasn't Trump Turnberry. I'd like it to go back to just being Turnberry golf course."

He even threw in an outlandish suggestion about a “toupee”. As if.

There were also matters of more substance than Mr Trump’s hair.

Mr Salmond said it would not be right or fair to have the EU referendum in June, which would mean the In-Out campaign overlapped the Scottish, Welsh, NI and London elections.

And if Scotland voted In, but the overall UK vote was Out, “the pressure to have an early referendum on Scottish independence under these circumstances would be irresistible".

After similar LBC phone-ins with Nick Clegg, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson, Mr Dale judged his newest partner had been “mostly straight talking, not a 100 per cent I would say”.

Mr Salmond laughed. “More than the other lot.”