THERE’S this thing called Europe everyone’s banging on about. You may have heard of it.
Apparently some folk like it, some folk don’t, and some folk even live there, the maniacs.
But because there’s a referendum nigh, our MSPs aren’t supposed to talk about it.
Remarkably, as we learned at FMQs, there is a purdah period ban on “parliamentary resources” (ie the parliament) being used to argue for a Remain or Leave vote.
More of which nonsense later.
But first education, with Tory Ruth Davidson effortlessly out-ranted by LibDem leader Willie Rennie, as they harried Nicola Sturgeon about overworked teachers going on strike.
The FM said she wanted to ease their burden. Why, this very week, education secretary John Swinney had asked the EIS for “specific deliverable proposals to help reduce workload”.
In other words, he's clueless. Ms Davidson suggesting he could start by scrapping the named persons legislation, prompting cries of “shame” from the Nat benches.
“I suspect that the EIS will be as horrified as I am by Tory attempts to hijack legitimate concerns,” replied the FM, accusing the Tories of “trying to score cheap political points”. As if!
She then ripped into Mr Rennie for misrepresenting the EIS about standardised tests.
“I don’t know what planet she’s on,” snapped back Mr Rennie.
“I’m on earth, Willie,” said her frosty look. “Where are you?”
EU ban or no, Labour’s Kezia Dugdale used her turn to pitch underarm lobs about the single market, letting Ms Sturgeon fret about 300,000 EU-linked jobs.
“Scotland’s continuing relationship with Europe is absolutely vital,” said the FM impartially.
Ms Dugdale then asked if the FM was planning for “a shock to the UK economy”.
As luck would have it, the Scottish Government was doing just that.
The FM then dropped a continent-sized hint about a second independence referendum.
If Scotland was taken out the EU against its will, “all options to protect our relationship with Europe and the EU will require to be considered,” she growled.
It was all too much for Eurosceptic Tory Margaret Mitchell, who raised a point of order about the exchange breaching purdah as it was likely to “influence the outcome” of the ballot.
While it’s doubtful June 23 will turn on a Nicola-Kez double-act, Ms Mitchell had a point.
She also had a solid brass neck. Ignoring the very same ban, she then complained about “the unfettered free movement of people” damaging the economy and said the UK was “more than capable of surviving outside the EU”.
The spoon at this particular knife fight, Presiding Officer Ken Macintosh, was unmoved.
“I listened to the questions and the answers very carefully, and it is my judgment they did not take a side on either side of the debate,” he said with a face as straight as a Euro banana.
There followed what the official report decorously called an “interruption”, but was in fact the squawking of incredulous laughter as people wondered if Gentle Ken had his own planet too.
They “did not use parliamentary resources” to promote a side, the PO corrected himself.
Labour’s Neil Findlay then pointed out resources such as power had indeed been used.
Ken squirmed. Yes, but there was no “abuse” of resources, he said. No, only of logic.
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