THERE was a new format to the first FMQs after the summer recess. Whether it proves the political equivalent of Betamax remains to be seen. But at least it’ll be fun while it lasts.
The name of the innovation is the “open supplementary”, a chance for MSPs to ask completely random questions, freed from the dead hand of relevance or quality. It was instantly abused.
First, however, Tory Ruth Davidson raged about SNP plans to entrust 300 newly devolved coppers from British Transport Police to the dopey leviathan of Police Scotland.
Didn't the First Minister realise that rail rozzers and plod rozzers don’t mix?
Nicola Sturgeon said the merger was a done deal and attacked “shoddy” Tory politicking.
Labour’s Kezia Dugdale then raised the shameful and growing backlog of children and young people awaiting mental health treatment.
SNP MSPs cowed into silence, Ms Sturgeon was forced to agree that more must be done.
At which point, the open supplementaries began with a plant. Well, I say plant. James Dornan, the bald and stocky SNP MSP for Glasgow Cathcart, is more of a tuber, a spectacled potato.
But he played the role of plant to perfection, fulminating about a Tory press office gaffe in which French former MSP Christian Allard was dismissed as an “EU citizen” of little note.
Why hadn’t Ms Davidson withdrawn this “deeply offensive and xenophobic remark”, issued by her office during “the tense political climate” caused by Brexit, wondered Mr Dornan.
Did the FM agree the Tory leader should issue “a personal apology without further delay?”
Funnily enough, the First Minister was thinking just the same thing about this “serious issue”.
Unable to respond from across the aisle, Ms Davidson bucked in her chair in impotent fury.
In fact, Ms Sturgeon continued, it reminded her of the Home Secretary recently reassuring Poland how seriously the UK took hate crime against Polish citizens living here.
“How much are those efforts undermined when the leader of the Conservatives in Scotland casually dismisses completely unacceptable remarks about EU citizens?” she asked.
Without a right good grovel from Ms Davidson, Scots would “question the character” of the entire Tory party. As Ms Davidson’s chair exploded in a cloud of rivets and horsehair, the Nat backbenchers thundered their approval.
Blood boiling, the FM concluded by raining down blows on hapless Tory man-sloth Gordon Lindhurst, a chap who sounded so dull it was a miracle he stayed awake for his own question.
Independence was hanging “like a dark cloud over Scotland”, droned chloroform Gordon.
“The people of Scotland have spoken. No means no. When will she accept that?”
Ms Sturgeon was in no mood to accept anything short of apoplexy.
“The uncertainty that faces our economy now is the reckless gamble of the Tories in taking us to the EU exit door,” she howled.
“For the people who have caused the problem to try to blame those of us who are trying to find solutions is a bit like an arsonist trying to blame the fire brigade.
“The Tories should be utterly ashamed of themselves!”
Mr Lindhurst sat down. He would be wise never to rise and blink over the parapet again.
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