RUTH Davidson had an excellent start to FMQs. She held up The Herald.
Better than that, she said the front page story about an SNP government U-turn on finding £500m for schools from council tax was “100 per cent true”.
This is something I strongly recommend. Buy a copy, hold it aloft in public, and tell folk how accurate it is, especially when the author happens to share my name.
“We're used to watching budget u-turns after they've been given but it's quite something to see one falling apart before it's even been published,” said the Tory leader.
"The SNP government has been telling us for months that it will press ahead with its flagship plan to raid council budgets to pay for an attainment fund.
"Now, a few hours before the most important budget in this parliament's history, we read that the policy has been dumped. Isn't this a shambles, First Minister?"
Alas, this was the high water mark of Ms Davidson’s day. All else was shame and ruin.
Nicola Sturgeon conceded “Tories know quite a lot about shambles”, but said MSPs should hang on a few hours for the low down on the budget.
Ms Davidson then changed gear as silkily as dropping a rust-bucket from fifth into reverse.
“If the SNP is going to dump this plan, then good,” she said, to universal cries of “Whahh?”
Hysterical Nat MSPs checked the rafters to see if Christmas coming early included snow.
“I thought the comedy turn at FMQs was usually reserved for Willie Rennie,” laughed the FM.
“It seems there’s a new incumbent in that post today. Can I just check, Presiding Officer. Have I got Ruth Davidson’s position right? She’s saying to the Scottish Government, ‘How dare you dump a plan we absolutely demand that you dump?’”
Ms Davidson almost clawed her way back with a pop at John Swinney, but then succumbed to the intoxicating taste of failure again by describing her own points as “chaff”.
Hilarity became bafflement became more hilarity.
“I’m confused,” said Ms Sturgeon. “I can’t work out whether she wants us to do something or that she doesn’t.”
Sweatily desperate, Ms Davidson broke the glass and reached for her bazooka - the SNP was scaring Scotland with its “threat of a second independence referendum”, she wailed.
Ms Sturgeon was nonplussed. “Nobody watching this will have any idea what on earth Ruth Davidson is asking! Totally confused and shambolic. You always know when Ruth Davidson is drowning at FMQs because she gets on to an independence referendum.”
At which the waves of laughter closed over the Tory leader’s heard for the final time. The Herald she clutched was a wonderful thing, but sadly it cannot double up as a lifeboat.
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