KEZIA Dugdale opened her heart at Scottish Labour conference in Perth yesterday, speaking about the personal sacrifices of leadership. But she was less forthcoming when asked what she’d be doing five years from now. “First Minister!” shouted a supporter. “Er, I’ll be 40 in five years,” wobbled Ms Dugdale. “I’m holding onto the table at that prospect.” Instead of endorsing the idea of being FM, she said she wanted to be making "progress". Well, at least she's honest.

FOR regular readers sick of trivia about Scottish Labour spindoctor Alan Roden, we bring you trivia about Scottish LibDem spindoctor Tim Hustler instead. As a student in Dundee he ran an ill-fated competition to design a campus logo. His fellow students duly revolted at being asked to work for no money and organised a boycott. After a single entry, the contest was abandoned. Was there ever someone so destined to work for the uber-popular LibDems?

TALKING of Roden, he was hugely proud of his catering skills at Labour conference, when be produced a mound of bacon rolls for the press. Like the party’s new federalism policy, this was a gimmick nicked from the LibDems. Unlike federalism, however, they were actually digestible.

WE remarked last week on the rash of friends and family of SNP politicians applying for tickets on the taxpayer express at May’s council elections. Both brothers of Coatbridge MSP Fulton MacGregor are trying for candidacies, as are the partners of MPs Ann McLaughlin and Dr Lisa Crawford. Now we hear John Fellows, son of Motherwell & Wishaw MP Marion Fellows, is hoping to get elected too. The public purse is a cosy berth indeed!

THOSE lacking blood-ties could always join another party to get ahead in the SNP. Born-again Nat Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh was Nicola Sturgeon’s Tory rival in Govan in 1999, but became a feted SNP MP. Now fellow ex-Tory Richard Sullivan, who opposed SNP MSP James Dornan in Cathcart, is trying to be an SNP council candidate there. His main internal rival, believe it or not, is former Labour man Paul Leinster. Are there any first-choice Nats left, we wonder?

HOLD the front page! Of the National Enquirer! News just in from Argyll & Bute where the “Dunoon Unit” of the Democratic Socialist Federation has issued a 7500-word report into how the 2014 referendum was stolen. Apparently MI5 did it, according to a bunch of unhappy Yes voters. Our favourite quote: “Can we prove this? Well that depends what we mean by proof.”

DUNOON Unit first twigged something was awry when too many people voted No. Baffled by local stats, they realised there had been a massive “criminal attack on our democracy” they dubbed the McTernan Plan, after former Tony Blair spindoctor John McTernan. It seems MI5 rigged the postal ballot, then told David Cameron, who then told Mr McTernan, who then went on TV and conveniently blurted out vital clues. What a twist! We can’t wait for the movie.