Tom Gordon
ANGELA Constance was visiting St Andrew's during FMQs.
The education secretary ought to make it a weekly ritual.
She'd be safer trying to catch drives on the Old Course with her teeth than taking the flak at Holyrood these days, where she's as popular as nails on a blackboard.
Literacy down, numeracy down, the attainment chasm between rich and poor pupils yawning ever wider, and her boss getting the blame.
They have a lot of bunkers in St Andrews.
Ms Constance might want to crawl in one and hide.
With eight years of chickens coming home to roost, Nicola Sturgeon looked at times like she might want to join her.
After pointing out student bursaries and grants were down £40m under the SNP, Labour's Kezia Dugdale asked: "Which country in the UK provides the lowest level of bursaries for low income students?"
The FM took a deep breath and plunged off-piste for two minutes of breakneck waffle.
Maintenance support packages up, student debt low, system imperfect, must do better, running out of air, access commission, lungs ache, excellent education, right I'm sitting down.
"That might have been a speech, but it certainly wasn't an answer," snorted Ms Dugdale.
"I've never heard the First Minister been so reluctant to say the word Scotland."
Yes, the SNP had just announced extra cash for poor students, but it was a "laughable" £2.40 a week, "not enough to get from here to Heriot Watt and back".
Ms Sturgeon responded with a whirl of statistics showing average student debt in Scotland was less than half that elsewhere in the UK, and accused Labour of "sheer and utter hypocrisy" for mentioning the subject given they introduced tuition fees.
Proving she has the inspired ineptitude to lead her party, Ms Dugdale claimed Labour had abolished tuition fees in Scotland.
SNP MSPs doubled up in laughter and the FM skelped her desk harder than a Dickensian headmaster would a truant.
"Labour removed tuition fees from the front end of education and put them on the back end of education!" she hooted, mocking Labour's retreat to a "parallel universe".
"Perhaps it's insulting the Scottish people's intelligence in that way that has resulted in Labour being in the dire position it is."
Tory Ruth Davidson then flushed out the story of the day, locking on to Ms Constance's recent interest in Denmark and Ontario, where there are "rigorous" tests in primaries.
Did that mean the FM wants tests for tots and exams in prams here as well?
Ms Sturgeon did not demur, adding "serious and substantial" work was afoot which she was "overseeing personally" with Ms Constance (translation: I don't trust her either).
A new "national performance framework" would also address the frustrating "lack of data" about the performance of primary pupils.
Ms Davidson tutted at the very thought of frameworks. "We need a plan!" she exclaimed.
"Too right we do," said the FM's anxious expression.
"Our kids can't read, write or count. What do we do? They can't all be politicians."
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