Tom Gordon
POLITICIANS hate maths. Even arithmetic scares them witless. Remember George Osborne's horror when a child asked him seven times eight in case he fluffed it.
Sure, they're odd squares who crave powers, dye their roots, get hyperbolic, use complex formulae to duck questions, and sin, tan, sin, but other than that, no maths.
So it was a brave Kezia Dugdale who began FMQs with a poser about this year's Higher Mathematics, which thousands of pupils felt was "flawed and too difficult".
The nation's nippers were tweeting teary emojis as one, complained Labour's deputy.
"What has the First Minister done about it?"
Nicola Sturgeon was appalled - at Ms Dugdale.
That was a very "unfair" picture of the exam system, she huffed.
Besides, the Scottish Qualifications Authority was in charge, so leave me well out of it.
Ms Dugdale tried an elliptical approach.
The minister was "perfectly happy to sit back and allow the SQA to attract accusations and criticism... It was the minister who forced the authority to introduce the new examination."
On cue, the SNP backbenches started grumbling.
And the minister "should have been able to prevent such a deplorable outcome", Ms Dugdale continued above the rising noise.
"I hear the SNP backbenchers are not happy with that, but those are not my words-they are the words of Nicola Sturgeon when she was shadow education minister back in the last SQA crisis." The Nat shut up fast. "Does the First Minister agree with Nicola Sturgeon that politicians should stop passing the buck?"
An icy FM said she had been referring to a "comprehensive failure" under the last Labour government, but this was just one test paper.
In case anyone missed it, she also mentioned another four more times that the SQA was in charge.
Instead of scaremongering, Ms Dugdale ought to reassure young people, she added.
"Back to the script!" yelled Labour's Drew Smith.
"I don't think Labour members who are shouting abuse across the chamber are remotely interested in our young people's fortunes," snapped the FM. "As always, their top priority is simply to hurl abuse at the SNP."
It was all much happier when Labour's Jenny Marra raised the case of hospital porters locked in a pay dispute with NHS Tayside.
Suddenly it was National Porters Day at Holyrood.
"I take this opportunity to welcome the Tayside porters to the gallery," gushed the FM.
"They are a fantastic bunch of people. They and porters right across the NHS do an absolutely fantastic job. They are often the unsung heroes of our health service."
In other words, they shunt patients between corridors to stop A&E coagulating.
A look passed over Ms Sturgeon's face.
If only they could ferry round cheat-sheets to Higher Maths...
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