Classic closing lines, the perfect comedy parting shot. Wouldn't be a bad closing line for Carry on Referendum, which this week yielded one main story, Yes Scotland and Better Together having a major barney over a hacking inquiry and payments to so-called impartial experts.
Here's the Battle of the Blairs in a nutshell. Wait, a war with all these Blairs involved and none called Tony? Actually, we could use the Rocky theme here. Thanks. In the Yes Scotland corner we have Blair Jenkins, former Director of Broadcasting at STV and Head of News and Current Affairs at both STV and BBC Scotland. I know, you couldn't make it up - you'd think he'd be a bit more media savvy. In the Better Together corner we have Blair McDougall who made a name for himself by winning Ed Miliband's leadership campaign. I thought that was Unite's Len "I love a night at the opera, no, not the Marx Brothers film or the Queen album but the real opera" McCluskey.
Yes Scotland have paid a chap called Dr Elliott Bulmer - who speaks like he's been on the cider - to write a piece. Jenkins loves it so much he tweets it. Bulmer works for a charity called the Constitutional Commission - and they also love it so much they tweet it. Bulmer insists on getting a wedge - a hundred quid. But he shouldn't have, as he works for a charity and the Constitutional Commission are supposed to be impartial.
Better Together are raging and demand to know who else Yes Scotland have paid off to write pro-independence pieces. Yes Scotland have a quick meeting and somebody realises the emails were confidential and their internal correspondence has been hacked. They call in The Sweeney. Queue The Sweeney theme. No, lose the Rocky theme and pipe in The Sweeney. In the words of The Who, it's now a Legal Matter and they can't talk about it.
I spent 47 minutes and 22 seconds of my life trying to formulate something funny about this. I had to eat. I was hungry. I had lunch. Even the napkin mocked me. Then Brian Taylor tried to make me laugh by explaining the whole soap opera on BBC Scotland's lunchtime news. Maybe it was the HD but Brian looked like he'd fallen asleep having dinner on his Greek island and slowly turned into lobster thermador. Clearly that reddish orange lobster tomato look is just so moreish.
I fear for this country. I fear for the people in power who keep making the wrong decisions. I fear for the people who enjoy telling them they've made the wrong decisions. I fear for the blame culture that exists. I fear for the image of Scotland. I also have a fear of the clowns running the ship. If last week's word was pogonophobia - fear of beards - then this week's is coulrophobia, fear of clowns. You'd think someone would be trying to calm it down instead of fanning the flames and indulging in political point scoring. That'll be the day we are all issued with crash helmets to avoid being hit with flying pigs.
A shower of adjectives, mostly unrepeatable, festooned upon us. I placed my hands over my ears. Politics growing up in our house, especially politics and history programmes like The World at War, were a family sit-down. Tom and Jerry would bring peace and tranquillity to the powder keg household of seven and a dog (a dog who hated postmen and cars but loved a cone off the ice-cream van).
When the programme was on, no one would speak. Once it was finished, the debate would start up. I'm reminiscing because this week I caught The Thatcher Years on TV. While viewing I recalled how we were taught no matter how abhorrent the subject matter, the way Thatcher brutalised heavy industry or slaughtered the unions or how unbelievably inhumane the Nazi party were to their fellow man, you watched, listened and learned. It was almost like a Michael Corleone approach. While Sonny wanted revenge, Michael would suggest, in the book at least, that "a lawyer with the briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns". How could you learn to beat them and bring them down if you didn't listen?
I'm highlighting it because no one's listening in the referendum debate. Everyone's shouting but no one's listening. There's loads of bullying, posturing and mudslinging, accusations and allegations but the one thing missing is reasoned, intelligent debate.
Yes Together paid top consultants to give a presentation to staff. Part of the exercise involved using Play-Doh to build something that symbolised what they were trying to achieve. Fortunately for them, the news agenda moved on quickly. In among the usual badly-shaped visions of an oil rig that looked like spaghetti, a baby panda that looked like a giraffe and well intentioned visions of a healthy, wealthy, optimistic Scotland that looked like pies or jobbies, one gallus Alice ambitiously visualised Scotland winning the World Cup. Gallus Alice and her impressive phallus-shaped trophy were sent to the naughty step.
Andrew Marr says there's Anglophobia in Scotland and SNP are up in arms. Alasdair Gray does an anti-English rant about English people getting top jobs and he's a likeable eccentric.
Visit Scotland have missed a trick. Registration for tickets for the Commonwealth Games opened this week. We all know that the games are part of 2014's big referendum centre piece. But have you noticed they're the XX Commonwealth Games? Where is the marketing here? The Glasgow Kiss Games? Sealed with not one, but two big kisses. Boxing guards on...
Robert Mugabe was sworn in as leader of Zimbabwe. I bet he was…"Oh no, not f*ckin' him again..."