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Impolitic: let's get revenge on David Bowie by gnome-bombing him

The revolution will be televised…but David Bowie probably won't show up.

I wouldn't either if I was him. Bowie has earned the right to make the choice of showing up at the Brits and to say what he wants. That includes dipping his pop toe into the independence debate by pleading, 'Scotland, stay with us'.

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Which in some ways is quite a nice thing to say. To formally invite all of Scotland to move into his New York sandstone. I'm up for it.

It's time for Scotland to reciprocate that invite and show David Bowie the love. Here's the plan. We gnome-bomb him.

The initial plan was that we get everyone to buy The Laughing Gnome but why be over generous in these austere times? Then I thought: why not just copy and paste a link to the video and blitz the planet with it? Everyone on Facebook and Twitter shares it. Every time you speak, just mention how it's such a beautiful song. We can all copy the link to the video and share so easily.

I happen to know he adores being reminded about the scene-shifting, epoch-making classic that was 1967's The Laughing Gnome.

The Starman, the Aladdin Sane and now the Greta-Garbo-I-want-to-be-alone New York eccentric and barometer of cool pop sophistication just adores this song. Not.

Genuine stars like Bowie just say stuff then and sit back and watch everyone implode. It's wrong to assume he's out of touch, in fact it's the very opposite. He used four words and look at all the publicity? Everyone's talking about Bowie.

He still desperately cares about what the people think of Bowie the artist. It may be lack of confidence, health issues, or most likely good taste that keeps him out there, where he's always been.

It is always exciting when the superstars chuck in a few words and get the debate going. You can always tell the standing and fame of a star when they steal the show without even being there.

I think responding in kind by sharing or promoting The Laughing Gnome will be enough. Have you no gnomes to go to? 'Yes about seven, all over the globe but I love me one in the Big Apple, guv'.

Let's pay tribute, bow down and pray we can come close to touching the hem of his pop garment, especially the one he wore on the front of his third album, 1970's The Man Who Sold the World.

Make an effort to copy and paste a link to the video of The Laughing Gnome and put it on Facebook, Twitter and have it everywhere.

Mention it on every feed, talk it up for the defining moment in popular culture it was. Honestly he will love it. Unlike Alex Salmond, I do have a Plan B…if this doesn't work, we escalate to project Tin Machine.

I'm not sure of Alex Salmond's less than subtle EU approach.

Jose Manuel Barroso: 'So, Meester Salmond, why should the EU let Scotland in?'

Salmond: 'Cos Scotland's fu*ki*g magic wee man! Look at wur golf courses, the whisky, Subo! Subo! Subo!'

Barroso: 'Ahh, OK, finally is it roasted or toasted cheese?'

Salmond: 'I was dreading this one…A modern EU independent Scotland will be multi-denominational in the roasted/toasted cheese department.'

I like the FM's confidence, but I sense there might be a bit more diplomacy required.

Certain things just make me laugh. Like listening to a traffic report on the radio and hearing the chaos caused by a displaced manhole in a traffic report. Like a certain express delivery service in an age of parcel bombs calling itself TNT.

The other is anytime Danny 'Beaker' Alexander opens his mouth to deliver a message from Osborne and the Coalition.

It's so easy to get confused with the rhetoric, timbre and joyous writing. No, don't tell me…Let me think…Maybe the opening of James Joyce's Ulysses?

'Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came in from the stairhead.' Is it someone reciting Virgil's Latin epic The Aeneid? For the purists, written in dactylic hexameter, considered to be the Grand Style of classical poetry? No, it's just Danny Alexander waxing lyrical in his distinct Fudular Twiticus

That's two major big British events this week, the Baftas and the Brits. Stephen Fry and James Corden?

Honestly? Is that the best you've got? Keep serving them up and I'll keep singing and dancing to Tony Clarke's Northern Soul classic Landslide.

Jimmy Carr went down like a lead balloon. Carr was unfortunate in that, even though he's a clever comic, he has a particular fan base, is an acquired taste.

The audience he was in front of didn't like him. Wrong booking for the wrong gig. Kind of stand-up's answer to Danny Alexander.

Edward Snowden has been elected Rector of Glasgow University. I've never really trusted him. Surely all ex-CIA mavericks are called Jack?

The British curling teams threw up an interesting political conundrum. Would Cameron or Salmond, both known for jumping on any success story, claim the medal winning teams composed of Scots?

Or maybe they will be disowned by both. Either way, any sport with stones getting polished, grabbed and thrown into the house is fraught with double entendre and best to slide away from....

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