Impolitic: lock up your daughters, the LL Cool J of politics is back

But why the plans for Aberdeen, Nigel? Well, he is keen to raise the profile of the Aberdeen Donside UKIP candidate Otto Whatshisname. I like how, despite the furore after his last visit, he finds time to take a responsible, low key approach to his next arrival, announcing he’ll be in Aberdeen, this Tuesday at 9.30am, just in case TV news crews, newspaper photographers or journalists need to book hotels, flights or train journeys to be around when he gets mobbed like a delusional racist messiah. Job done.

Tom Harris, the Labour MP for Glasgow South, has quit the frontbench because he was unable to do the job of Shadow Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs and juggle family life. He told his shadow boss the shadow job was beyond him. Right, let’s just look at this again. The devil, as always, is in the detail. He’s the Labour shadow minster which, in effect, states quite clearly that he isn’t even the real Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.

Clearly, unless there’s some kind of environmental crisis, this isn’t a difficult job not to have. I mean, are cows so mad they're up on two legs wearing a fez and doing Tommy Cooper impersonations? Perhaps all the goats and sheep are running around a muddy field with big blue tongues thinking they’re Mick Jagger and headlining Glastonbury? Worst still, is a lisping Jamie Oliver and cleaver-wielding Hugh Fernley Chicken Stock at the front door, highlighting the plight of free range chickens, demanding tank tops, fleeces and improvements in the B&B arrangements for all chickens.

I’d hazard a guess that of all the jobs in the shadow government, Environment, Food and Rural Affairs would be a bit of a skive. It’s not like the pressure of not having to take on the portfolio for not doing anything as Chancellor or Foreign Secretary. What is it he doesn’t really do? Check the bees are all buzzing and count some fish? Count wind farms? Show up at a gymkhana? Shove a rosette on a hairy Highland coo? Come on, pressure?

Here’s what Harriet Harman, mother-of-three and longest continuous serving female MP in the commons doesn’t do. She’s Shadow Deputy Prime Minister, Party Chair and Shadow Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport and she makes the tea. This excuse for what is, in effect, the shadow job of counting trees and bees, is so lame I’d lie about my coke and three-in-a-bed hooker shame to save the red neck.

Green gaffer Patrick Harvie is having a total hissy fit too. He felt he should have been on Question Time and phoned the editor to tell him. I get his outrage about the show’s line-up but I also get showbiz, sweetheart. I’m sorry wee man, Galloway and Farage? Two words - box office.

Alistair Darling was given a standing ovation by the Tories. That must’ve made him feel good, eh? Some Tories were even moved to say Darling was so taken aback he raised an eyebrow. Then it was pointed out that his sinister black Groucho Marx eyebrows were always half way up his forehead.  

The music bandwagon rolled into Scotland this week and it’s unusual for Alex Salmond not to jump aboard. The Who? Maybe there’s too many Union Flags on show for his liking. Neil Young rocked the SECC and there’s The Stone Roses this weekend at Glasgow Green. Salmond's hit rate at music isn’t as good as it is with the horses. Remember his Simon Cowell period when he was obsessed with Sandi Thom? Whatever happened to her? And while we’re on the subject of Cowell, why has no one in an indie band needing publicity broke into Holyrood and fired eggs at someone in protest? Coaches at Al Qaida suicide training camps must watch UK TV and think, eggs - are they having a laugh? Amateurs.

Yes Scotland have accused Theresa May of being OTT in her warnings that the UK could prevent Scots from holding dual citizenship. She indicated in a forthright manner that Scots could lose their British passports and be denied dual nationality if they vote for independence next year. The SNP has said it would automatically allow both Scottish and British passports. Earlier this year she said an indy Scotland would face endless immigration problems and the UK wouldn’t be able to share MI5 information on terrorism or organised crime. Surely she's being  a tad power crazed, like a comedy Gestapo gaffer at a crossing point: "Papers! Papers? Ahhh…Scotland you say?" She’s like Helga from Allo Allo! Come to think of it, Michael Gove has a look of the Herr Flick about him...

In another shock horror didn’t-see-that-coming TV moment, controversial fruitcake American conspiracy theorist Alex Jones was on the Sunday Politics were he went mental. The presenter Andrew Neil looked genuinely shocked. He seemed so horrified that he couldn’t stop from grinning like a Cheshire cat as he ran to check the ratings figures and watch the clip instantly go viral. Bet the production team who hired Jones so he would go mental and shout like an idiot didn’t see that coming.