We've never met but I don't like her. It would be easy to blame a number of things; her politics, shoes, hair or outfits. As MPs go, I'm sure some will find her quite stylish. It's her voice. Every time I hear her speak I want to get a haircut, get into my best suit and buy a one-way-ticket to Dignitas. Margaret Thatcher famously employed the services of a voice coach from The National Theatre, Theresa May should follow suit.
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She seems awfully preoccupied with Scotland, this week claiming an independent nation would be less well equipped to deal with a global terror threat.
The Conservatives think they're in a fast moving action packed political thriller, ever twitchy on the trigger finger. Gun totting, right wing, Bush-esque (the Dubya) rhetoric, adopting a scorched earth policy, using a flame thrower and petrol to clear snow from the garden path. Retaliate first, think later. It's a return to overreaction as the political default setting.
The coalition have lost the plot. (Cable- it cost me £2.60 to post a letter that was a millimetre bigger than a letter so therefore couldn't fit through the stupid little frame they use now as a letter box in the post office and had to be sent as a parcel. Christmas for older people is hell without a Christmas card and it costs 60p for a stamp, enjoy your shares you capitalist clowns).
Anyway, there is one flaw in the Home Secretary's claims. Why would terrorists want to attack us? Everybody loves us. Well apart from those incompetent Keystone Cop junior terrorists at Glasgow Airport, they were rubbish. I think you may find that millions of people across the globe don't like England, or didn't like Blair being with Bush or Cameron siding up with America. So in effect what Theresa May is saying is that the UK, or more exactly England, need Scotland for handers in a square-go.
The big announcement this week was that Ant and Dec were bringing their hugely popular Saturday Night Takeaway to Glasgow Hydro but the First Meenister is off to China today (Friday) for his. The trip, Salmond's, not the Geordie duo's, will involve a bit of trade, a bit of promo- always good for a leader to be seen on the world stage acting like a statesman. Maybe giving the odd box of Scotch and some Tunnocks tea cakes to a bemused factory owner while wearing the kilt, never does any harm.
I'm sure the FM noticed the first week sales of autobiographies from Morrissey (34,918) and Sir Alex Ferguson (115,547). I just wonder if our esteemed leader, on the long flight, is thinking about updating his memoirs? Making copious notes, talking about Panda Diplomacy and being punted two gay pandas - nothing wrong with that- and saving the day over Grangemouth with a last minute Plan B. He brought something unique to the table, something a man of his experience knew was crucial to proceedings…The fish suppers and Irn Bru.
On the subject of Ferguson's book, he claims that leadership requires loyalty, control and discipline. As soon as someone gets too big and threatens your control, you have to get rid of them. I wonder what he thinks about former Prime Minister Gordon Brown's laid back approach these days? He described himself as 'an ex-politician', despite still being an MP. When did he make this astonishing realisation? Clearly while he was on a panel discussing the World Innovation Summit on Education in Qatar, instead of rainy, windy Westminster.
Apart from an independent Scotland not having to deal with politicians like Michael Gove, Nick Clegg and George Osborne, surely an Independent Scotland would opt out of the Eurovision Song Contest? Or would the SNP hierarchy demand a song for Sandy Thom?
Life imitated politics this week when I was on a train and offered a heavily pregnant woman a seat. She drew me a dagger. She was pretty good, a cartoonist it turned out, it looked like a knife and my severed head was attached to the said cartoon knife. She wasn't happy. Clearly she thought I was saying she wasn't capable of having a baby and was weak. I wasn't, I was just offering her a seat.
A friend reminded of the same scenario a few weeks ago concerning Jo Swinson. The Lib Dem Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Employment Relations, Consumer and Postal Affairs whose bump is now as big as her job title. She arrived late at Westminster for PMQ's and was made stand up. I think the level headed Swinson's part in the stooshie was just to laugh it off and not make a fuss. It was a 'source' who span it into a story.
I instinctively would always offer my seat as would most people in society. However it's 2013 and such acts are fraught with danger. I was brought up to be polite, I hold doors open and I let women go first. Visitors are offered a tea or coffee. I'm all at sea with modern etiquette. In the end I apologised. 'Sorry doll, if I knew you were one of those feminist birds, I wouldn't have offered; nudge, nudge, oh nice shoes sweetheart'. Then I sprinted off. No I didn't say that, I just thought it, loudly.
Shocked to hear UKIP in Scotland has been thrown into turmoil and is splitting into two factions. The future of the UK Independence Party in Scotland has been thrown into turmoil with a civil war looming and a coup planned against its leader north of the Border.
I didn't know there was such an organisation. Though this week I did notice two bigots fighting in the corner of the pub. Must've been their party conference.
Alan Cumming has bought a flat in Edinburgh to make sure he can vote for independence in next year's referendum. He lives in New York but paid £82,000 for a one bedroom flat in Polwarth? I'm assuming he's thinking buy-to-let.