First Minister's Questions started not with a bang but a bark today, as a handful of excitable hounds erupted in the public gallery.

"We have a number of guide dogs in training," explained Presiding Officer Tricia Marwick.

A confirmatory woof rang round the chamber. "You're welcome," she replied.

After that, it was back to the usual catfight.

Labour's Johann Lamont started on rails but quickly hit the buffers. The award of the ScotRail franchise to the Dutch nationalised firm Abellio - whose trains, let's face it, all run on the flat and can't do hills - was thoroughly shocking, she reckoned.

"And is it true that Abellio was more expensive for Scotland's taxpayers than other bidders were?" she asked Alex Salmond.

The FM, who gets all his info about trains from his chauffeur, insisted it was value for money. Why, there would be "free wi-fi, all-seat catering, more luggage space" and whatever else thrilled the walking classes, he declared.

Ms Lamont pointed out some of the 'new' trains would actually be 40-year-old clunkers with a makeover, and Abellio had been rated 18th out of 18 in a Which? survey expressing concerns about cleanliness and value for money.

Couldn't he have waited a few months for new powers and a public sector alternative?

Building up a head of steam, the FM huffed the SNP had been asking Westminster for rail powers for yonks without success, and it would take five or six years for any new devolution, and the franchise award couldn't wait that long.

"If this is the relaunch of the Labour Party, I think that it is going to reach the end of the tracks very soon indeed," he scoffed.

"I saw what the First Minister did there. That was really funny," deadpanned Ms Lamont. "Why is the First Minister spending his last days in office selling out Scotland, rather than standing up for Scotland?"

Properly stoked, the FM let rip. "It's a better deal than waiting and hoping that Johann Lamont's friends and allies in the Conservative Party are suddenly going to have a transformation and agree with us that that power should come to Scotland."

The SNP benches tooted approvingly.

Tory Ruth Davidson tried to revive last week's ambush over NHS spending, but Mr Salmond puffed out such a cloud of numbers it completely obscured her point.

At which, blundering through the fog, came Labour backbencher James Kelly, who obviously never saw those public information films about avoiding the tracks as a child.

With a nasal monotone like a broken Tannoy mumbling platform changes, he put it to the First Minister that First ScotRail had clocked up nearly £100m in profits since 2008.

Er, that was because of the franchise terms we inherited in 2007 from Labour, said the FM.

Mr Kelly continued along the live rail. "The Abellio model is one to which Scotland should aspire," he droned, "a publicly run transport body that is able to bid for business all over Europe. How does the First Minister intend to progress an agenda that will promote public railways in Scotland, allow a public bid in future and export Scottish services abroad?"

The FM squinted at Mr Kelly as he would a golf ball on a tee and rolled his shoulders before striking.

"I do not quite understand James Kelly's tactics," he said, reminding him he recently asked for the franchise talks to be suspended, meaning First ScotRail would get even richer.

"James Kelly's strategy, as he gets furious about the profits of First ScotRail, is to extend the contract to those disgraceful capitalists over a number of years.

"Last week I wondered whether there would be changes on the Labour Party front bench in the imminent future. With such talent on the back benches, it is only a matter of time before we have a wholesale change of timetable."

Mr Kelly's face was redder than a stoker's. I may not know much about railways, the FM's smile said, but I know a tube when I see one.