By Douglas Lindsay, with Dr Ian Shackleton, senior lecturer at the Glasgow School of Politics and Football.

Anglo-Scottish Border Likely To Be Re-Drawn In Event Of Yes Vote:

As the polls tighten ever further, and London begins to see Scotland slip from its muculent grasp, all players in the referendum debate are beginning to face up to the realities and possibilities of a Yes vote. While currency, Trident, the NHS and oil reserves have taken centre stage, political analysts predict that, as with any dispute between neighbouring nations, the argument over the border will come to outweigh all others.

This morning secret government memos, from both Westminster and Holyrood, have revealed that angry discussions have already taken place between the two powers on the subject. The current ninety-six mile border, running from the River Tweed in the east to the Solway Firth in the west, is considered by many to be unworkably ragged.

"The current wibbly-wobbliness of the border is totally unviable, will lead to disagreements within communities, and will make it prohibitively expensive to build the wall when it becomes required," states one Westminster memo, written by an advisor to the Prime Minister. "And there's no doubt that a wall will be required, sooner or later."

Diplomats from both sides are in agreement that a straight line should be drawn across the country, on a latitudinal parallel.

"The drawing of straight lines on maps has worked well in so many different regions of the world," says Dr Ian Shackleton, of the Glasgow School of Politics and Football. "It's no surprise they want to do it here. America-Canada, that's worked out all right. There are some great borders in Africa that have served the continent well for over a hundred years. Perhaps there are still some teething problems with the Middle East, but I think we've learned the appropriate lessons."

Naturally, however, there is disagreement about where the line should be drawn.

Political insiders and friends of political insiders believe that London want to see a straight line drawn directly across the map from Berwick-upon-Tweed - to be known as the 55.77th parallel - which would make places such as East Kilbride and Wishaw border towns, and everything south of there in England.

"No one doubts," said an unnamed source in the Conservative Party, "that the Borders in Scotland will vote to remain part of the Union. Fine, if the rest of Scotland wants to go independent, on you go. Be the South Sudan of the north, see if we care. But we're keeping the Borders, and we'll fight to extend the definition of that area as far north as possible. The 55.77th parallel might not roll off the tongue, but when it comes to the negotiations, it's going to be part of it, just as much as Trident, currency and who Andy Murray plays for at the next Olympics."

Insiders believe that London will open negotiations by insisting that the border should be defined by the Antonine Wall, which ran north of Glasgow, from the Clyde to the Forth, and would therefore place both Edinburgh and Glasgow in England. One SNP insider described how, when first told of these demands, Alex Salmond "exploded out of his pants".

Meanwhile, officials in Holyrood are determined that, at the very least Berwick-upon-Tweed should be included in Scotland, as it has been so often in the past, with some insiders stating that they will aim to have the border as far south as Derby. They would then be able to include powerhouse football teams such as Manchester City, Liverpool and Hull in the Scottish Premier League, as well as struggling smaller clubs such as Manchester United. It would also give Scotland a land border with Wales for the first time.

Few, however, doubt that there won't be a great deal of upheaval.

"Rarely," says Shackleton, as we speak in his office on the 98th floor of the new Ed Miliband Memorial Tower in the heart of the city's Cheese District, "do arguments over land borders get resolved without one side drinking the blood of their enemies. Still, perhaps this one will be settled amicably over a spot of curling."

In the likelihood that drawing straight lines on a map becomes contentious, it is believed that the zombified corpses of both Sir Mark Sykes and François Georges-Picot will be brought onto the negotiating teams as consultants.

In other news:

With the referendum momentum all going one way, and Better Together in desperate need of a bold plan to present to voters to combat the optimism and positivity of Yes Scotland, Prime Minister David Cameron yesterday promised sweeping changes in the way the United Kingdom will be governed in future.

Speaking to a cheering group of foreign exchange students at Stirling University on the first day of their Beginner's English course, Mr Cameron outlined his five-point plan for the future of Britain:

- the House of Lords would be abolished, and all members culled

- all powers, bar defence, diplomacy, the central bank and Eurovision Song Contest song selection would be placed in the hands of the parliaments of Scotland, England, Wales and Northern Ireland

- Westminster would become the seat of the English parliament

- a new streamlined, central, federal seat of UK government would be created, and situated in the grounds of the Garrison in Millport

- free Tunnocks Tea Cakes for everyone

"This," says Dr Shackleton, "is what the No campaign have been waiting for. A vision for the future. A bold statement of change in the UK.

"While there's an unmistakeable whiff of the Ally McLeod about the Yes campaign, you can't argue that it's captured the imagination of voters. Better Together thought they could rely on a message of It's Not Completely S**t, So Why Change Anything? and they've been found wanting. They didn't want any big ideas, because they like things the way they are.

"Now, however, they're faced with losing oil revenue, they're looking at a long and bitter border war, and then there's the likelihood of other world leaders mocking them openly on Twitter. They've had to face up to the need to think strategically about Britain's future. And while some commentators amongst the liberal elite might think it ethically questionable to kill all the members of the House of Lords, most agree that it would be, at least, electorally popular."

Challenged on the costs of setting up the new parliament, Mr Cameron claimed that money saved from Lords' expenses, coupled with converting the Lords Chamber in the Palace of Westminster into a bingo hall complete with on-site Starbucks, Pizza Express and Hello Kitty! Tattoo Parlour would pay for the new Federal Millport Parliament Building four times over.

"Let me be absolutely clear about this," said Mr Cameron, "the UK national debt, which currently stands at £1.45trillion, will not increase by one penny because of this new plan."

Commentators noted that by the time the Prime Minister had finished speaking, some two minutes later, the UK national debt had already increased to £1.53 trillion.