Question:
whodunnit?
Answer: Colonel Barroso in the library with the lead piping.
Steam was rising from the prime ministerial shoulders as David Cameron eyed the feral beasts of the media in the heart of the Eurocracy and gave vent to his "downright anger".
After the sunshine of communitaire action on Ebola and climate change, the PM's post-summit press conference was struck by the Donner und Blitzen of the Euro dosh scandal; namely the £1.7 billion bill plonked on the PM's table by the Brussels waiter.
The rise of the crimson tide began slowly enough as Mr C used a few slightly-piqued phrases, saying the Eurocrats' cash-grab was "completely unacceptable".
But as he spoke more about the two-billion Euro bill, the colour in his cheeks deepened.
"It is an appalling way to behave," he barked. "I am not paying that bill on December 1. If people think I am, they have another thing coming. It is not going to happen."
Red turned to scarlet as he banged the lectern, saying: "You do not join an association that thumps you with a bill for two billion euros three weeks before you have to pay it. It is not an acceptable way to behave."
Brushing aside who knew what when, the PM noted: "Frankly, you do not need to have a Cluedo set to know that someone was clubbed with the lead piping in the library."
Scarlet turned to purple when Dave impersonated the Brussels bureaucrat, telling amazed hacks: "'Oh well, it is an adjustment. You just have to pay the bill.' This is taxpayers' money. These are the people who employ me. I represent them and I want value for every penny they give in their taxes."
Meantime, at the Dog and Duck, old Nige was rubbing his hands, telling his chums: "Rochester is in the bag chaps."
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