THE DIARY FRIDAY JULY 3, 2009

THE news story about the politicians who failed to turn up to hear the Queen's speech at the Scottish Parliament this week leads one reader to tell us: "I heard that expenses-investigation MP Jim Devine wanted to be there - but he shelved the idea.

"And Gordon Brown also wanted to go - but every time he got near the place his car made an inexplicable U-turn."

Toil and tears
OUR tales questioning young folk's worldly knowledge lead to a lecturer at one of the newer universities claiming that, when he discussed the Second World War with his first-year students, one of them asked afterwards why he "kept going on about the dog in the insurance advert".

Pushed to the limit
A READER flying back to Scotland was at an American airport where one of the ground crew at the departure gate was speaking into her walkie-talkie, or whatever they are called these days, and telling another member of staff: "Please disregard the call for wheelchair assistance at gate A5. Repeat. No wheelchair needed at gate A5."

There was the squawk of the person at the other end replying, before the crew member said wearily: "Yes, it's a miracle."

Off message
A GLASGOW reader tells us he assumes the woman sitting next to him in the theatre the other night was joking when the announcement was made that people should switch off their mobile phones. She stood up and told her husband: "I'll only be a minute - I left it in the car."

Funny bone
POOR Hillary Clinton has a reputation for being stony-faced and light in the old laughs department. So we should pass on her first reported gag, which came after she pulled out of a conference on arms control in Moscow following surgery on her right elbow.

Appearing with her arm in a sling, Hillary told reporters: "I'm engaged in a different form of arms control."

Boom boom.

Way out west
BAD directions continued. Stuart Allan in Drongan once owned a pub in Wigtownshire where, every year, at least one person would call in asking for directions to Fort William. Says Stuart: "They were rather crestfallen when advised that Fort William was over 200 miles away, as opposed to Port William, which was just down the road."

Gong fishing
AFTER the announcement that the Queen has created a new honour, the Elizabeth Cross, reader Thom Cross in Carluke asks: "Do you think my sister Elizabeth is due any royalties?"

• Golfer George Morton, back from a holiday up north, thought it was apt that Royal Dornoch has put its Portaloo next to the seventh tee: the hole called "The Pier".

National lampoon
HOW British is Andy Murray? Online bookies Paddy Power are taking bets on that very subject, using their AndyMurrayometer to analyse the tennis star's Britishness. When The Diary looked, he was 86% British; the smaller the percentage, the more Scottish he becomes.

But as you can see from this cutting from the Daily Telegraph, below, it is still a tricky subject for some people.