THE DIARY WEDNESDAY JUNE 17, 2009

WHISKY is a serious business - just ask Whyte & Mackay's outspoken master blender Richard Paterson. He told enthusiasts at an online tasting event that he gave a class in South Africa where a chap gulped down a 19-year-old malt in a oner.

Said Richard: "I asked how it tasted and he said, Not much'. So I slapped him, and then he tried it again - held it for about four seconds - and he said he tasted a little. So I slapped him again. Took a few slaps, but we got there, and now he appreciates whisky." Oh, and in case you are worried about meeting Richard, he suggests you should hold it in your mouth a second for ever year old it is.

Hard to swallow
AND, of course, it reminds us of the old tale of the chap taking his wife to his local after years of nipping out there a couple of times a week without her.

She said she would drink whatever he usually had, so he got her a whisky. She took one slug, screwed up her face and said it was awful.

"See," he told her, "and you thought I was out enjoying myself."

Off the scales
A READER tells us she went along to her regular Weight Watchers meeting in Govanhill this week only to be met by a notice on the door stating that the meeting had been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances and would resume next week.

She doesn't know how serious was the additional information someone had added at the bottom of the note. It read: "Scales broke."

Locals keep mum
READER Iain Carmichael is impressed by the sense of humour of the locals after moving on to a smart housing estate built on the site of the old Bellshill Maternity Hospital.

Says Iain: "The builders, in their infinite wisdom, decided to name the whole estate with the upmarket title The Oval, due to it's geometric shape.

"All was well until the locals decided to nickname it the Ovaries' due to its previous existence."

Colour bind
A DARNLEY reader was varnishing his garden hut at the weekend while being watched by his neighbour. As he stepped back to admire his handiwork, he remarked: "I didn't expect it to come out that colour."

His neighbour told him: "Aye, Ah had a girlfriend who came out the tanning salon that colour. She wasnae happy either."

Memorable attempt
DONALD Grant in Paisley swears to us he was at his local golf club when a chap at the bar told his pal: "I was worried about my loss of memory and went to my doctor for some advice."

"What did he say?" asked his mate.

"He just told me not to worry, and to forget about it," the golfer replied.

Now they're motoring
A READER in America gets in touch to tell us that the Chrysler merger with Fiat is going ahead. "I tell me friends, Fiat's reliability combined with Chrysler's modern styles - what could go wrong?"

Thinking by degrees
A LECTURER at Glasgow Uni who has been marking dissertations gives us the real explanation of phrases frequently used.

• "It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.

• "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - the other results didn't make any sense.

• "It is believed that" - I think.

• "It is generally believed that" - my flatmates agree with me.

• "According to statistical analysis" - rumour has it.