There at not many occasions which merely take place these days. Instead, everything has to be an eye-popping, point-and-gawp extravaganza of an event; a jaw-dropping showstopper that leaves all and sundry oohing like Kenneth Williams delivering a smutty aside in a Carry On caper.
The switching on of the Christmas lights the other night in Glasgow, for instance, was concluded with the kind of thunderous tumult of pyrotechnics that resembled the explosive engagements of the epic tank battle at Kursk.
Of course, it’s not all-out warfare that this whiz-bang fanfare heralds. In fact, it’s much more bloody and hostile than that. Yes, that’s right, it’s the commencement of hostilities on the front line of panic-stricken yuletide shopping in which commercial outlets ram home the festive message with all the no-nonsense, profit-seeking ruthlessness of a Victorian chimney sweep shoving his whimpering, sooty-faced apprentice up the lum. Nothing, after all, illustrates the true spirit of Christmas quite like a furious fight to the death in the frozen foods aisle for the last packet of cut-price pigs in blankets.
Read more: Knox and Stewart fly the flag for Scotland at golf's World Cup
To the victor the spoils eh? There were certainly plenty of spoils on offer on the various golfing battlegrounds over the weekend as the young English duo of Matthew Fitzpatrick and Charley Hull – combined age 42 – won the European Tour and LPGA Tour’s end-of-season bonanzas respectively. Fitzpatrick took home a cheque for over £1 million. Hull pocketed around £405,000, which is more than the current Ladies European Tour order of merit leader, Beth Allen, has earned all season.
It was a considerable sum for Hull’s maiden win on the LPGA circuit and, while the good ladies continue to operate in a financial market that still lags well behind the men, her success underlined once again why Europe’s women professionals continue to chase the American dream.
Read more: Knox and Stewart fly the flag for Scotland at golf's World Cup
It’s always been that way, of course, but for those lesser lights trying to forge a career on this side of the pond, the challenge seems to get tougher each year. Hull, who has played just three times on the European circuit in 2016, was one of the tour’s most marketable forces but there is no way the opportunity to compete for an annual prize pot of over £50 million in the US can be turned down.
“How do you sell a tour when every time your best player wants to go somewhere else?” said the decorated veteran Trish Johnson in a blether with The Herald last year. There were only 21 events on the Ladies European Tour this season and only seven actually took place in the circuit’s own backyard. The rest involved the kind of far-flung escapades that would’ve left Judith Chalmers guddling about for her passport in a flustered lather.
Wish you were here? Well, yes but for players on a tight budget, treks to New Zealand, Australia, China and India don’t do much for the credit rating. There are fewer opportunities to play and the chances that do come along are getting further away. And when there are tournaments within a reasonable hopping distance, you would probably have time to circumnavigate the globe on a horse and cart given the gaps there are between events on a stop-start schedule.
This summer’s Ladies Scottish Open, for instance, teed-off on July 22nd. The next regular event wasn’t until the Ladies European Masters got going on September 8. In the height of the so-called golfing season, there wasn’t much action to be had. Aberdonian Gemma Dryburgh was one of over 30 graduates from last year’s qualifying school but she has played in only eight tournaments on the main circuit in 2016 and there are a host of hopefuls already trying their luck at the q-school process for 2017. There are plenty of bodies coming on to the tour but, like the elbowing and jockeying in those ruddy Christmas queues, there’s not much room for manoeuvre once you’re in there.
Read more: Knox and Stewart fly the flag for Scotland at golf's World Cup
The announcement last Friday that the 2017 Ladies Scottish Open at Dundonald Links will boast a whopping purse of £1.2 million – the biggest on the European Tour outside the majors – was warmly received but for great swathes of LET members it will be a date in the diary that will probably pass them by. The domestic showpiece will be co-sanctioned with the LPGA Tour and, allied to the money on offer and the fact it will be staged the week before the Ricoh Women’s British Open at Kingsbarns, it will mean a stellar field of world class players and less chance of a tee-time for the rank-and-file.
Professional golf is a merciless old business. Nobody has a divine right to the rewards and there can be no room for a feeling of entitlement. But when you’ve earned a ticket to dine at the top table in Europe and only get to nibble on meagre pickings, then it’s hardly a level playing field.
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