THERE are some press conferences so dull and toe-curling that it makes those asking the questions wish they had actually stuck in at school and thereby avoided having to become a journalist.

Sometimes it’s the fault of the interviewer and others the interviewee.

One that springs to mind came at Fir Park many years back when the moody and monosyllabic Brian McClair briefly returned to his first club and was hauled out to speak to the press with all the enthusiasm of a Tommy going over the top on a day when the Germans happened to be particularly war-like.

His questions consisted of “ayes” and “no’s” and the occasional “don’t know” as the would-be Bernsteins and Woodwards peppered him with rather easy posers.

It was then that the late great Jim ‘Sundance’ Blair, a fine writer and even greater wit, who had lost patience with what he felt was a lack of politeness, said: “Brian, what’s the fastest animal in the world?” The word smartarse was then to be muttered not quite under Sundance’s breath.

This was topped at Celtic Park on Tuesday night when a Spanish journalist, to the bemusement of perhaps even himself, asked Brendan Rodgers to compare, sort of, Lionel Messi with the Loch Ness Monster.

“That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever been asked;” which can’t be true as surely that would be the time his bosses at Liverpool said; “Do you fancy us buying Mario Balotelli to replace Luis Suarez?”The Herald:

Even the Barcelona press pack, of which there are many, were left shaking their heads, although the good scribblers from Catalonia have always in the mind of this diary been kings of the left field press conferences.

During Louis van Gaal’s second stint as manager at the Nou Camp, his relations with the local media by now utterly toxic, at one pre-match ‘presser’ the Dutchman read out his team and so disgusted were the pack with his selection that every last one of got off their seats and walked out!

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The Head of Sport here at the castle on the top of Renfield Street is only really allowed out in public when there is free champers and caviar.

However, he was released from captivity to go to the Celtic Park media gathering where he bumped into an old colleague from his hot metal days. His farewell quip to said hack was; "at least there are not two De Boers in the Barca team to confuse you," which demanded a more detailed explanation.

The aforementioned scribe had once been a junior to him on another newspaper when the laddie had stumbled across one of the De Boer twins attending a wedding in Holland.

Excitedly, he proceeded with his exclusive interview, but such was his haste, he was unsure if he'd interviewed Frank or Ronald, soon to be of Rangers.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Simply," he replied. "We printed. We were either 100% right, or, 50% wrong. Either way, we weren't going to sell that many editions in that part of Holland the next day..."

And that is why he has made it in this business and why neither De Boer will return his calls.

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To Hamilton last Monday night for what turned out to be a fine match involving the Accies and Hearts.

The conversation turned to why Scotland doesn’t produce enough top class footballers these days, as it so often does. The reason put forward by one was that central heating had made generations of kids soft. That’s why the conveyer belt had shuddered to a halt.

This is an interesting theory, although the argument rather falls down when you consider the best players tend to come from South America and Spain where for the most part it’s bloody roasting.The Herald:

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Staying in Hamilton, and some people literally have to do that, and the Hearts team can boast the two best names in Scottish football.

Prince Bauben is a magnificent moniker only bettered by the Jambos captain Perry Kitchen.

The Diary believes the greatest name for a sportsman ever is Domingo Hospital, a Spanish journeyman golfer from the 1990s. Any improvements on that would be most welcome.

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There has been talk among the sports desk about resurrecting a five-a-side team, meaning we are completely ignoring what we look like and how bad we are.

If this come to the fore then we need to come up with a team name. Some of the best seen on a Glasgow league table recently included Murder on Zidane’s Floor, Sex and Drugs and Carlton Cole, 99 problems but hiring a pitch ain’t one and the rather wonderful Surreal Madrid Fish.

We want to find more of these.

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Andy Murray has made it obvious that he is not in the least bit interested in becoming Sir Andy and quite right too.

Who would want to join a list of sporting Knights which includes Clive Woodward (he won the rugby World Cup against a country with 30million less of a population), Trevor Brooking (nice bloke who won only two FA Cups – the same as Denis Wise) and, of course, Jimmy Saville for his contribution to charity work and marathon running.

Jock Stein, Bill Struth, Kenny Dalglish, Denis Law, the Lisbon Lions, Ken Buchanan, John Greig, Bill Shankly and David Wilkie never got knighted. I know which group our brave lad belongs with.

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If you have a story for the Herald Sports Diary contact us on 0141 302 7153 and sport@theherald.co.uk