SO, farewell 2016. In the sporting world some fared better than others over the past 12 months, with Celtic reaching the Champions League group stages, Hibs winning the Scottish Cup and Lee Clark getting the Byker Grove DVD boxset for his Christmas.
Now a new year is dawning and the great, good and average of British sport will all have their sights set on making 2017 the best one yet. But just what might they all be hoping for? And how might the next 12 months pan out for them?
BRENDAN RODGERS
The Celtic manager will look to wrap up the domestic treble by winning the Scottish Cup before targeting other prizes that have shamefully eluded the club over the years, including the Eurovision Song Contest, World’s Strongest Man, and the Great British Bake-Off. “It’s not about me”, insists the Northern Irishman, as he’s crowned Miss World. Rodgers, though, is expected to turn down the chance to co-star in a new movie with Dwayne Johnson. After last year’s shock loss to Gibraltar side Lincoln Red Imps, he says it’s still too soon to think about The Rock.
MARK WARBURTON
Rumours that the Rangers manager has asked for a telescope so he can keep track on Celtic disappearing into the horizon remain unfounded. Warburton, though, will look to clinch a Europa League spot in the hope of resurrecting memories of the “glorious European nights at Ibrox” – like failing to beat either Maribor or Malmo last time out. Warburton will also carry on insisting he “can’t control speculation” continually linking him with jobs in England, although he will also be forced to deny that was him caught on CCTV in the middle of the night posting his CV through the letterbox of every Premier League and Championship club. He also turns down tickets to see a popular English hip-hop artist as he refuses to acknowledge there is such a thing as Plan B.
ANDY MURRAY
How can Murray improve on his 2016, the year that had everything? After all, it will surely be another century before Hibs win the Scottish Cup again. Making the breakthrough at the Australian Open would be a good starting point, with Murray having endured the worst luck Down Under since John Wayne Bobbit. From there it will be on to the red blaes of Paris where a change of tennis balls from Babolat to Mouldmaster might improve his chances of winning. Throw in wins at Wimbledon and the US Open and Murray could be celebrating Scotland’s first Grand Slam since the 1990 rugby side. Should it happen you will barely be able to get a smile on his face.
GORDON STRACHAN
News that Fifa are considering expanding the World Cup finals to 48 teams must have come as music to the beleaguered Scotland manager’s ears, especially given the fairly disastrous way 2016 ended. Strachan’s biggest wish, then, will be for that nice man Gianni Infantino to consider introducing it for the finals in Russia in two years’ time. And for Uefa to consider making the next European Championships the same size, too. Strachan could maybe also do with a map to West Bromwich so he can take another look at Matty Phillips, and a free life-long supply of Tunnock’s Teacakes and Irn Bru to offer to Karamoko Dembele in the hope of persuading him to become Scottish again.
LAURA MUIR
The 1500m star and trainee vet will look to combine her two loves by introducing a new Diamond League event called Running with Pets in which athletes must take part in their chosen discipline whilst carrying their favourite animal around the track. Channel 5 have already snapped up the TV rights.
IAN CATHRO
The Hearts manager’s first wish might be to peer deep into his laptop and see if it can fashion up a cyber replacement for Callum Paterson, although even Football Manager might consider the notion of a right full-back who scores almost every week an invention too far. Will bow to players’ demands to allow newspapers back into the dressing room as trying to stuff soggy football boots with tablets and iPads wasn’t really working out.
JUDY MURRAY
The mum of the year, Scottish socialite and dancer extraordinaire will seek out medical treatment for her persistent migraine. It is thought that she has developed the problem as a result of repeatedly banging her head against a brick wall trying to get clearance for her multi-million pound tennis and golf centre. She is also expected to knock back plans for granddaughter Sophia to join the women’s full-time tennis circuit – despite the 10-month-old already having risen through the ranks to become British No 2.
SAM ALLARDYCE
After his brief and controversy-stricken term as England manager, Allardyce will look to settle in quickly at Crystal Palace. His first move is expected to be switching the traditional half-time oranges in the dressing room for pints of wine. Expected to also accept a big-money offer to step into the boxing ring for a celebrity bout against Watford mascot Harry the Hornet, even though Allardyce isn’t too keen on stings.
RICKY BURNS
The nicest man in the world to make a living from punching people in the face will realise his dream of fighting in Las Vegas. Rather than a money-spinning world title fight at Caesar’s Palace or the MGM Grand, however, Coatbridge’s finest will start a new job as a nightclub bouncer.
STAN COLLYMORE
The former Nottingham Forest, Liverpool and Aston Villa player is expected to step up his attempts to make Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola realise exactly who he is. His plans involve camping outside the Man City training ground to catch Pep driving into work in the morning while wearing a T-shirt with his own face and the words “I’m Stan Collymore” printed on the front, and bellowing “Journaliste! Journaliste!” out of a megaphone.
PEP GUARDIOLA
Plans to continue to make a confused face whenever asked about Stan Collymore as if he has just been given street directions in Swahili.
GREGOR TOWNSEND
The rugby coach will spend time with his lawyers poring over his Scotland contract and wondering if there is any way out of it after leading Glasgow Warriors to Champions Cup glory and realising it probably won’t get any better than that.
JOSE MOURINHO
Will spend the first few weeks of the year closely rewatching the movie Benjamin Button to see if there is any way he can get 35-year-old Zlatan Ibrahimovic to grow younger rather than older over the next few years. Will also call for more statues to be built around Old Trafford honouring the greats. Starting of course with himself.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here