IT has been a week of rather fantastic headlines which makes you glad print has not breathed its last.

“Uri Geller Fixed My Xbox” screamed the Sun’s front page on Friday. It wasn’t a euphemism. No, the metal bender zapped some wee wummin from Inverness’ gizmo, believed to be long dead through the screen during an episode of Loose Women.

I won’t go into the ins and outs of the 2017 version of that loaves and fishes trick, apart from to say that the bold Uri does have form when it comes to moving objects used by Scottish people.

Back in 1996, Geller claimed to have, through the art of telepathy, rolled the ball just as Gary McAllister was about to take his penalty against thaym at Wembley which put the captain off his stroke, so to speak, and allowed David Seaman to save.

We lost because of an Israeli psychic and NOT because McAllister was vastly over-rated and should never have been on pens. Oh no.

This was brought up to the bold Uri many years ago when a group of well-heeled, and probably well-oiled, Scottish fitba hacks bumped into him the night before Celtic were due to face some team in Tel-Aviv.

“Uri, Uri, bend us a spoon;” was the cry. And he did just that. He bent a spoon right in front of us.

As Morag Jamieson, whose box was sorted out, said: “It was unbelievable.” Quiet.

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As good as that was, headline of the week, maybe year, goes to one of the posh papers no less which told us “Garland feared sex-mad Munchkins”.

It seems that during the 1939 filming of The Wizard of Oz the little people had “sex orgies” – is there any other kind of orgy – and were constantly pissed and up to all sorts.

As Bert Lahr, who played the Cowardly Lion told us many years later; “Many Munchkins made their living by panhandling, pimping and whoring. Midgets brandished knives and often had passions for larger personnel.”

This has utterly nothing to do with sport; however, our golf writer, star columnist and crisp aficionado Nick Rodger has been more than obsessed with this tale of dodgy dwarves getting jiggy on the yellow brick road.

His colleagues have come to conclusion that Nick, small in stature, is rather jealous of such showbiz shenanigans and would quite like to at least see for himself what happens at such parties.

If anyone can help him, the contact details are below.

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Quote of the week by far goes to Frankie Boyle who sums up this terrifying era we are living in and what it’s like to be a young football fan.

“If you'd told me as a kid we would have to fight global fascism but Celtic would be 20 pts clear in the league I'd have taken it.”

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Mark Warburton has claimed once or three times this week, I’m too lost to check it, that he’s been misquoted.

The Rangers manager likes a moan almost as much as he doesn’t like criticism from us horrible lot in Her Madge’s Fourth Estate.

While whinging about people mispresenting him after a third draw of the season against Ross County, Warbo said: “the fact is we had 15 corners, 22 shots and 18 on target. Nine times out of ten we win that game of football.”

Actually only six were on target. The source? Rangers.co.uk. These alternative faces are everywhere.

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Rugby players are known for being rough, tough sort of lads who think metrosexuality is getting your leg over on the subway.

Except the Scotland team, who have a sponsorship with Dove Care which when used collectively could soften the skin of even the most pug-faced tight-head.

The players are even using their personal Twitter accounts to tell us that Dove Care is great both on and off the park, or something.

That loud rumbling you hear when reading this is big Gordon Brown burling in his grave.

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Djibril Cisse, the former Liverpool and France striker of sorts, has retired from football and is now a full-time DJ.

He is far from the first player to turn to music once the boots are hung up and our favourite by far is Andy, sorry Andrew Cole who in 1999, the year he helped Manchester United to win a Treble released the following gem of a rap single with the help of DJ Pied Piper.

The ditty, as I’m, sure you recall, was called without a hint of irony “Outstanding.”

“I reminisce back to the school yard / I used to work hard, I used to play hard/ got my kicks from hitting the net/ not from drugs, you bet.”

This got to No.68 in the charts. Maybe if he’s collaborated with a DJ not named after a child thief then things would have worked out a bit better.