RETIRING has always been in the back of my mind. When I got injured almost a year ago – rupturing my anterior cruciate ligament at training with St Mirren – and I had to go and see the surgeon, he said ‘Listen, this is going to take 11 to 12 months and even then you may have to consider stopping anyway.’
There was always that wee doubt niggling at the back of my mind saying I may never play football again. Especially at a top level.
I’ve not had a chance to think over things yet or for it to really sink in, which is probably good for me. I now have something positive to focus on.
Last week I was delighted to officially come back on board at Motherwell, the club where it all started for me, to be part of launching the careers and hopes of a new generation as the head of the club’s inter-mediary academy.
It has been in the pipeline for a wee while. Before Scott Leitch left the Motherwell academy before Christmas he had mentioned there might be something for me, but at that time I was still doing my rehab and willing to see if I still had a playing career left in me.
As time went on though I knew it was something I wanted to be involved in. Then Steven Hammell got appointed as head of academy, and everything took off from there.
I’m used to a routine of going into a club and working so perhaps once I get myself fit I may have time to think about it all being over for me in terms of a professional playing career.
To say I’ve come back to Motherwell perhaps isn’t right, it feels as if I’ve never been away from the place. With a club like Motherwell, you are always welcome. Any player who has pulled on that jersey will tell you that. They always have time for you and bring you in. I went straight back in to the Chapman Building to see Alan Burrows, the chief executive, then over to the main building to visit Hammy and a few of the media boys. It just felt natural.
It’s a club I know and one that has always been close to my heart as is the case with a lot of other players who are still involved like Hammy and Keith Lasley. Along with James McFadden and Stephen Pearson the supporters refer to us as the class of ’02 – Beckham, Butt, Neville and Scholes eat your heart out – and it’s a special thing for me that I’m dealing with the next batch of kids. I’m getting the chance to repay a debt to the club.
Back when I started there wasn’t an academy as such, it was just boys club football. At the age of 14 I came from Dundee United. My cousin played at Motherwell and I said to him that I wasn’t ready to move to Dundee at that age and to see if there was anything he could do to help at Fir Park. I went in for a trial on a Tuesday night and the coach said to my mum right away they wanted to sign me. Two days later I went to Fir Park to sign my wee form.
Luckily I then got the opportunity of going in on a YTS. It was Billy Davies who was in charge, albeit briefly, but it was Terry Butcher who gave me my first chance. My debut came in Aberdeen on December 7, 2002 and I came on after 89 minutes. After the game Terry said to me ‘That will be a wee appearance fee for you Clarky’ and I had to said to him ‘I don’t get an appearance fee gaffer. I’m on a YTS contract and £120 a week’. He went away and sorted it and I got my £150 bonus.
As a young boy you always remember him looking out for you. It was a massive thing for a young boy coming through. I had never thought about it but Terry looked out for me.
That was the first highlight of my career and I was lucky others followed. Playing for Scotland was a huge honour and to score on my debut was a dream come true. I was still at Motherwell at the time and came on as a substitute against the Czech Republic to score against Petr Cech. The St Mirren boys will be laughing at me talking about it, I never mention it!
I also had the chance to go down south to Bristol and I made a lot of friends there, sampling English football was a great experience.
It goes without saying that getting the chance to play with my Uncle Phil was a dream come true. There’s not many stories like that. There are lots of memories. Getting the chance to be in the same dressing room as him and be captained by him is a wonderful thing I’ll always look back on.
Since I announced last week I wasn’t going to play anymore, I have been overwhelmed by the messages of support, too many to mention. Dundee and St Mirren both put something out on Twitter wishing me good luck, the same with fans who seem excited about it. You never expect it. It’s very thoughtful of them, and humbling. For people to take time out of their day to wish me luck is touching.
As a footballer, the day you retire is one you dread, one you fear. For me, it has come earlier than I thought it would. I have had a year with it in the back of my mind, and the last 11 months has been a journey of uncertainty.
I’m just glad that at the end of a tough road, it’s brought me back home.
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