I have a ticking time bomb inside me. It's not a serious illness or anything like that but it is something that gave me plenty to fret about during the last year or so. That might sound melodramatic but at the age of 32 with a wife, two kids and a mortgage, the prospect of life without a job was scary.

I was still feeling tightness in my knee. I'd have good days and bad ones which sometimes extended to weeks. I know now I will always have problems with my knee. Other people who have had this injury say they still feel pain.

Deep down, I knew I was an awkward twist or mis-timed tackle away from my world exploding again. The thought of wearing a cast once more and having to start rehab all over again terrified me; it would have devastated me.

I left school in fourth year. I was 15 with a future in professional football ahead of me. I made my debut for Motherwell at 17, the only things to worry about were training, playing in the first team, scoring goals, our next opponent, simple matters that while not insignificant when you're a young kid trying to make the grade, lose some of their importance when you start a family. Recently, I had started to think of guys who had retired during my time at other clubs. I looked at them and thought 'What am I going to do when it's my time to retire? How do you even start looking when you don't have any qualifications? Indeed, where do you start?'

So, I'm taking things as they come. I haven't thought about the next five or 10 years. I'm just concentrating on making a success of my new job as Motherwell's head of youth. When the club came to me with the offer I sought out the counsel of people I respect and they all told me that family came first. Each one reiterated the same message: life changes, attitudes change and so do your priorities. When I spoke to my wife, Natalie, we agreed it just made sense. I appreciate how lucky I am. There are lots of people looking for jobs in football and there aren't enough to go around.

So I'm not being complacent about it. I didn't want to down tools and give up. I'm still doing the rehabilitation because I want to be able to join in at training with the boys, I want to do the passing drills so I can show players I am actually capable of doing the things I am describing. Things I have been able to do since I was the same age as they are now.

All of this is new to me. It's been good and manic, too. There was a lot of administration work to be completed with the implementation of Project Brave on the horizon.

Those crucial tasks such as documenting the academy's philosophy, drawing up training plans and finalising structures, have been completed now and we can start implementing Steve Hammell's [head of academy] blueprint.

It's been a culture shock because when I was a player my day would be finished at 1pm or 2pm. My role now means I'm having to ensure everything runs smoothly from the Under-13s through to the Under-16s. That means making sure there is always a pitch to play on for all of the teams and a referee for each game. That's just one example, though. There is a lot of organising to do and that means much more responsibility than simply putting on a training session. I am also coaching the Under-17s with Stephen McManus. Training is from 6.30pm to 8.30pm but there are lots of meetings with players, parents and people who want to help the academy with funding and that kind of thing.

At the minute, I am leaving for St Mirren to do rehab in the morning and sometimes I'm not getting back into the house until 9.45 at night. It has pushed Stevie and I closer together. We laugh about our relationship. We'll speak to each other for 10 minutes on the phone, hang up and then five minutes later we're speaking again because one of us has forgotten to tell the other a little detail. It's constant. I suppose we're a bit like a married couple but without the fighting.

When I look back on the last year I realise I have been on a journey that was probably unavoidable. The offer from Motherwell pre-empted my decision to retire and when I spoke to Jack Ross at St Mirren he said he had had to quit sooner than he had intended because of injury. He is a great example to someone like me and someone who I owe a great deal of thanks to. Not just Jack, though, everyone around me: my family, the staff, players and supporters at St Mirren and everyone at Motherwell have given me an incredible amount of support.

They kept me going through the darkest days.