IT’S that time of the year again when ESPN magazine reveals the list of famous athletes who will appear in the annual Body Issue, an eye-opening, eye-catching publication which celebrates the physical attributes of world renowned sporty folk by photographing them in the scuddy. Greg Norman, the rugged, redoubtable Australian, will feature this season as he joins an elite gathering of golfers who have bared their necessities. The shapes and sizes in golf, of course, can produce many weird and wonderful sights and the nude image of the then 77-year-old Gary Player in the Body Issue of 2013 has been seared on the minds of those who have witnessed some of this Royal & Ancient game’s most traumatising spectacles . . . yes, even those who glimpsed the harrowing visions that emerged from the communal showers at the Association of Golf Writers’ autumn meeting. Captured on camera, Player, poised in athletic endeavour and holding up an oversized golf ba’, recreated the heroic role of the earth-balancing Atlas. Only a tactically positioned bent knee prevented the reader getting a keek at the, ahem, shortest club in the bag. Apparently, the photographer had to shout ‘fore’. For those folk whose skin doesn’t fit their body anymore and has the texture of an elephant’s foot that’s been soaked in vinegar, Player’s daily routine of 1000 sit ups and a diet of soil, twigs and elixirs is a lesson in healthy living to us all. The diarist eagerly anticipates the bold Monty getting his kit off in the 2019 Body Issue . . .

WHERE did you get that hat? A cocked item of headgear believed to have been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at the Battle of Waterloo was sold for over £300,000 at an auction in France this week. Apparently, former Rangers manager Mark Warburton’s magic hat also went under the hammer but attracted such a low rate of interest, the Chancellor of the Exchequer sent a letter of concern. Poor old Warbs finally met his Waterloo at Ibrox. Not quite Bonaparte, more fell apart.

WHEN those brilliant Brazilians of yore won the World Cup for a third time at the 1970 showpiece in Mexico, they got to keep the real Jules Rimet trophy in perpetuity. Is that a neighbourhood of Rio? Here at Russia 2018, meanwhile, golden boy Neymar and his acrobatic diving has led to him being judged by the VAR so many times, officials at FIFA are going to let him keep the match monitor.

KEEP on running. A centenarian tortoise by the name of Fred went missing from his home this week but was discovered 168 hours after disappearing. In that time, the roaming reptile had managed to shuffle a vast distance of one mile at the sprightly pace of 0.006 mph. Auld Fred’s modest manoeuvrings were still marginally quicker than the pre-shot routine adopted by world renowned golfing slow coach, Kevin Na.

GIDDY-UP. It’s been cuddies all the way amid the thundering hooves of Royal Ascot over the past few days. Her Majesty the Queen’s passion for these equine endeavours is well known and she has always enjoyed a flutter. “One will put the south wing of Windsor Castle on the dead cert in the 2.30 please,” said a confident Lizzie as she nipped into her local Ladbrokes. Since her first Ascot meeting as monarch back in 1952, the Queen has visited her horses in the winner’s enclosure some 23 times. There’s probably a good bet to be had, meanwhile, that Neil Lennon will visit the SFA’s disciplinary enclosure a similar number of times next season.

TITTER ye not, it’s Carry on Campanology. This weekend, in the inspiring, venerable surroundings of the Great St Mary’s Church in Cambridge, the 2018 National 12-Bell Striking Championship will reach a chiming conclusion as 10 teams battle it out to be the UK’s best ringers In the puerile world that the diarist operates in, an environment so smutty it actually comes with its own Sid James cackle, I was swiftly reminded of the cherished old Two Ronnies news report. “And next week we’ll be talking to the nudist bell ringer who forgot to let go of the rope and caught his ding dong merrily on high.”