FAIR play to Pierre van Hooijdonk.

He is, at least, trying to give us something to get into a lather over during the course of the transfer window.

Naturally, it does not hold a candle to engineering a move out of Celtic during his days as a player by claiming that £7,000-a-week "may be enough for the homeless, but not for an international striker" or going on strike at Nottingham Forest, but these are different, straitened times.

Nadir Ciftci's prospective move to Parkhead, looking more likely by the day, is an intriguing little story with a bit of mileage left in it yet.

The most noble Pierre, now an agent, will continue to break the habit of a lifetime by remaining diplomatic and reminding us that Ciftci is committed to Dundee United while flattered by the interest. Stephen Thompson, the Tannadice chairman, will let it be known that he hasn't got where he is today by accepting this sort of thing and then everyone will get what they want in the end.

It all makes for diverting pantomime. It is just not very sexy, is it?

Over and above the fact Ciftci, while talented, is unlikely to emerge an unplayable giantslayer in the Champions League, the whole affair just lacks the pizzazz of transfers unfolding elsewhere.

Consider the case of Giannelli Imbula. He is a French defender who has just joined FC Porto from Marseille for £14m. Internazionale had been keen, but only made their proposals concrete at the last minute and have found themselves on the receiving end of a rather delicious salvo from the player's father.

"Their whole set-up makes me want to throw up," said an incandescent Willy Nyangi, not to be pacified by the fact his boy has still managed to become an instant multi-millionaire. "They only woke up when they heard Porto were interested. Their intermediaries sent me messages containing threats."

Menaces, U-turns, ultimatums, deadlines, backstabbing, slanging matches. This is the wonderful, knockabout stuff that transfer windows thrive upon.

Here in Scotland, we have Wes Foderingham arriving at Rangers and stating, ever so politely, that two guys who could easily have ruined his career, Roy Hodgson and Paolo di Canio, are thoroughly decent sorts in spite of everything.

Foderingham still had a tale to tell, mind you. Should you be toiling to reach Destination Noddyland on these oppressively muggy evenings, take a look at the interview Danny Wilson gave to the official club website on the day he signed. Digital temazepam is probably the best way to describe it.

Of course, Rangers suggest they are learning from decades of expensive lunacy in the field of player recruitment, but no-one can deny that the deals done by their new regime have been - and are likely to remain - distinctly underwhelming.

It was not always thus when our most prominent teams were dabbling in the market. One can argue about how much good it did, but transfer season really could be quite riotous.

There was that afternoon spent shouting through a metal fence at Edinburgh Airport at a forward from AC Milan called Filippo Maniero, who had just stepped onto the tarmac from a private jet belonging to David Murray (remember him?). He didn't even sign for Rangers. It would take another seven years before those at Ibrox would discover how rotten he really was.

Likewise, who could forget the Luciano Figueroa episode? Rangers pulled out of a deal to buy him from Rosario Central, sparking a magnificent rant from the agent Eric Manasse, who claimed the Ibrox outfit were the most unprofessional club he had dealt with in 30 years. Martin Bain, then the chief executive, was accused of being more concerned about getting mud on his brogues during a trip to Argentina than actually completing a deal.

One newspaper even sent me all the way to Australia on a whim to track down Mark Viduka, who had gone AWOL from Celtic after signing from Croatia Zagreb amid claims of depression, mafia involvement and withheld transfer fees.

Perhaps it was Mo Johnston who started the trend, but almost every summer would bring a transfer "tug of war" between the Old Firm too.

Raul Tamudo was just one guy linked regularly with both sides until an ankle injury put paid to a move to Rangers after a reported £10m fee had been agreed with Espanyol. Still playing at the age of 37, he is now back in the Teddy Bears' price range.

John Hartson was another. He also failed an Ibrox medical, which took quite some doing, after stating that "there is nothing bigger than Rangers". Except Celtic, of course, who signed him a year later.

There does not even seem to be the same fanfare over those who do agree terms. No-one present at Celtic Park will ever forget the madness of the night Robbie Keane signed a short-team loan deal in February 2010, with an ever-growing throng of loonballs letting off smoke bombs at one o'clock in the morning on the front steps of the ground.

There were almost as many people there that night as turned up to see Dedryck Boyata make his debut in an actual game at St Mirren Park last week. There was, unquestionably, much more noise.

That is simply where we are in 2015, though. Reduced budgets, reduced expectations. In football as in life, there is never such fun in being sensible.