THE rules at Wimbledon over relief from the weather had me thinking.

But I stopped. After all, I had a column to write and I can't be thinking when I am doing that.

My sympathy for those labouring in the heat is limited as I scurry through the rain for Wimbledon supplies from my newsagents. I have spent the fortnight holed up in my garret as if I am on the lam from the FBI. The television pix are marvellous, fully conveying the lush lawns of SW19. It shows how the beauty of nature can be adapted to the reality of sport.

But it leads me to pose a question: Roger Federer may be the greatest player ever but how would he perform on cold night at Drumchapel courts? Exactly.

First, he would be duffed up over the naff blazer. And a one-handed backhand does not work too well when the ball has taken a stoat in a pot hole that would consume a Hummer. He also may have played draining five-set matches but has he had to retrieve the ball 1000 times after it has gone through the one of the huge holes in the wire fence?

Victory for the Greatest of All Time was once guaranteed at Wimbers but how would he react when on match point the Big Boys come and tell him to Fed off because they want to play-five-a-sides.

There are places in Scotland to play tennis in safety and comfort. They are almost exclusively indoors. Outdoors is something different, particularly because of the weather.

Wimbledon may be allowed to defer to the weather when hot (if only for the women) and when raining (if only on Centre Court) but the Scottish rules on climate and conditions are far more wide-ranging than anything permitted in SW19. This is a country where the tennis player emerges from the dressing-room to the outside court with all the hope of Captain Oates leaving his Antarctic tent. The Scots tennis player mutters: "I am just going outside and may be some time. Let us agree to play a championship tiebreak instead of a deciding set."

These brave men and women take on the elements, armed only by a love of sport, a high pain tolerance and the knowledge that if tennis was judged on the Scottish experience it would be included in the Winter Olympics.

Here are the top 10 Scottish tennis by-laws for that extraordinary band of brothers and sisters:

10. The dress code need not be all-white. Parkas come in other colours. Players also can wear a vest but only in the coldest months, July, say. This can be grey with the odd soup stain.

9. Play can be stopped to allow a player to break the ice in the puddle on the service side.

8. Mittens can be worn. The continental grip in Scotland is a pair of Italian leather gloves.

7. Only one racket can be used. As any spare rackets would have to be prised from the frost at courtside.

6. Rain breaks are not allowed. If the rain stops, one can play through the dry weather.

5. There should be no Roland Garros type sweepers who smooth the blaes. Scottish tennis players must play the courts as they are, except for the Broken Bottle of Buckie rule. This can be removed or even returned to the spectators who have just informed you where you can put your tennis racket. And this is not in your bag.

4. The tennis net is allowed to sag in the middle, resembling the shape of a hammock supporting a Sumo wrestler. It is also permitted for the net to have holes so large that some shots simply pass through it. This adds to heightened anticipation and to animated discussion. The latter helps keep the competitors warm: a not inconsiderable factor in wind chill that would cause a polar bear to wince.

3. At change of ends, there are no towels but competitors are allowed to wrap themselves in a blanket. Energy drinks may be used buy they tend to freeze and must be sucked like an ice lolly. Experienced players take a flask of coffee and a Polar expedition sleeping bag.

2. There is no need for a sweat band as perspiration freezes immediately. But, of course, balaclavas can be worn.

1. Players are advised that Scottish tennis courts are the only surfaces that would be deemed unplayable by football referees yet considered suitable for a game of power and deft touch. The rule is the game goes on if there is one ball, a racket for each player. Net and lines optional. Hypothermia inevitable.

And yet. We are the country that has produced the Murrays, Jamie Baker, Colin Fleming, Elena Baltacha and now the youngsters of Maia Lumsden, Anna Brogan, Ali Collins and others. I just wish there was a grand slam in Drumchapel. Outdoors. In November. Andy would skoosh it.