NEW Year’s resolutions are my thang. I love a diet that starts on a Monday and the new year holds 100 times the power of a Monday. Although conveniently if I fail on day one, this year January 2 is a Monday. So many opportunities for reform!

In keeping with resolutions being an ineffective tool for self improvement, my resolution this year also includes its own contradiction. I’m planning on being less self involved. And, of course, the first step to rid yourself of extreme self involvement is to obsessively analyse and re-sculpt one’s self.

The added hypocrisy of actually writing about my struggle to be less self obsessed, and thinking that you care to hear it, can be one last binge. I know the protocol: nearing the last night of 2016 it’s time to finish all the Ben and Jerry’s (and polish off the jar of Biscoff spread with my finger) in preparation for Monday’s diet.

Grab a spoon and let’s self analyse in one last hurrah to my vanity.

Quite often when I wake up, or when I’m watching television or cooking my dinner or lying on the carpet,  just getting on with my day really, I’ll say over and over inside my head: “I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself...”. Sometimes it’s to the tune of a song, sometimes it’s said in the same structure as a famous quote but with the words changed to “I hate myself”. For example: “Oh I do hate myself beside the seaside, oh I do hate myself beside the seeeaaaa” or “ I shall hate myself on the beaches, I shall hate myself in the fields and in the streets...”). You get it.

I’ve never actually told anyone because I think if we were making eye contact right now it would be an incredibly awkward moment. My eyes are a sort of dull blue, you can imagine the tension now if you like. Horrible right? Let’s move on.

Next factoid. I do turbo sessions in my garage and it gets really hot and I sweat lots and lots. When I’m done I wait until I cool down to shower because otherwise I’ll just continue sweating and have to shower twice. So, thinking of the environment, I just lie naked for a while (an action that post turbo exhaustion hardly discourages). However, often I’ll stand instead. I’ll stand in the bathroom completely transfixed by my own reflection, captivated by the shapes of my body. Honestly I’ll just stare and stare feeling an odd sort of intrigue, maybe pride or even admiration of this body in the mirror. Weird again, right?

I mean, which is it brain? Are you weighed down by the kind of crippling self loathing that prevents you from stating opinions without adding “but I’m just a turkey-brained dodo thinker so what do I know” to the end? Or do you float through the day not giving sliced bread a second thought because you know anything good in the world can only be the best thing since Katie Archibald? I’m hoping there’s at least one person reading this who’s nodding their head wisely because they know it’s both.

Admittedly it’s a push to believe that person also sings “I hate myself” to the tune of In The Shadows by The Rasmus or thinks oddly highly of their right boob even though it’s slightly smaller than their left, but I don’t think these general themes will be completely unfamiliar to a lot of you. A mind caught in contradiction of how it views itself is, I believe, quite common. It’s my constant obsessing over this view that I plan to cut down on. Yes, yes, after this article.

What makes the task tricky I suppose is that I’m still working on a gold star system for self worth. The system works brilliantly when you manage to get the ultimate gold star (an Olympic one) but there’s potentially a lack of sustainability. I don’t want to take on too much in 2017 though. I think I’ll focus on “reducing self obsession and having a more outward looking mindset” this year and save “diversifying life apparatus on which to build self esteem” for 2027. Because I’ve got a lot of big races coming up in 2017 and a desire for validation could maybe prove handy.

It kicks off with Six Day Berlin (late January) which will be my first race back after my wrist break. I’m sorry to say I’m predicting a meek performance; you can do some wonderous things on a turbo trainer but it would be a lie to say I've had good prep. Then it's straight into track nationals two days after Berlin. My turbo diet means I fancy my chances better in the individual pursuit than the bunch races but I’ll be racing all.

Beyond that it’s day dreams of what could happen at the Track World Championships (in Hong Kong, April) and what opportunities lie ahead in the summer racing for Team WNT on the road. Here’s to an exciting and outward looking 2017! And to (my other resolution) not eating cake before midday.