THIS might come as a bit of surprise considering that I’m a boy from the Gorbals, but my real, true sporting love is snooker. My first sporting memory was watching the Dennis Taylor v Steve Davis black-ball final in 1985 – I wasn’t allowed to stay up to watch the end but, from that moment, I was obsessed and I’d be transfixed every time snooker was on television. I really liked Dennis Taylor because, as a kid, I started wearing glasses and I was quite self conscious about it but then after seeing him wearing those ridiculous, Dame Edna glasses but still beating the invincible Steve Davis, it made me feel better about my specs.
The best present I got from Santa was a snooker table – I couldn’t believe that I’d been given a six-foot table, I was literally speechless. That remains my best-ever Christmas present and I spent hours on it. I loved playing. As a kid, I used to spend days on end at Rileys snooker club on Victoria Road in the south side of Glasgow. It was cheaper to play all day than for a few hours. My highest break is 42 which, to be honest, I still bring up at every possible opportunity. I think at that point, I was about six hours into a session and that was me hitting the peak of my powers. My pal and I were the weirdos at school who’d do funny voices and play snooker. I don’t think you’ve played proper snooker until you’ve played with the sound of a fruit machine going off for seven hours and the woman behind the bar shouting: “Who’s ordered a cheese toastie?”
Stephen Hendry was one of my idols growing up although I never met him as a kid. One day, he was doing an autograph signing at John Menzies in Glasgow but I was at school so my mum went along to get his signature for me. She came back with my school photograph signed. I couldn’t believe it. The worst photo ever of me! I had this horrific bowl-cut and a bum-fluff moustache – and she’d got Stephen Hendry to sign it. Mortifying.
I first met Hazel Irvine during the build-up to the Commonwealth Games three years ago when we did some work together at various Glasgow 2014 events and we became really pally and stayed in touch. I had bought tickets for this year’s World Snooker Championships and Hazel’s obviously the face of the BBC coverage so when I was down at the Crucible Theatre last week, she invited me back stage and got me the full tour which was amazing. Other people get excited about being at Hampden or Murrayfield but for me, I was sweating seeing John Virgo and Dennis Taylor. And after play had finished, I walked out into the playing arena; I was totally doing the commentary in my head: “You've heard of Ronnie the Rocket, he's just a pure rocket. It's Des Clarke!”
The atmosphere during the matches was remarkable. As a comedian, you’re so used to people shouting and heckling but the Crucible is deathly silent – you can’t fully appreciate it until you’re there. No joke – the referee gave me a row for my stomach rumbling too loudly. And you’re so, so close to the action which is unique in a sporting context. I honestly can’t explain how much I loved the whole thing. It was a boyhood dream fulfilled.
Football has also been a big part of my life. My family and I were all Celtic supporters but growing up in the 1980s, I didn’t see Celtic win a single thing for years. My parents didn’t want me going to Parkhead though so I’d go to see Queen’s Park play at Hampden and I followed them for a good few seasons. You were always guaranteed a seat and you could hear every word the players would shout to each other and I loved that.
I was more of a Scotland supporter though and growing up in the 90s, you almost got bored with Scotland qualifying for major tournaments because it was so commonplace. In the lead-up to France ’98, my mates and I considered going to France but we were just a bit young so we thought, right, we’ll wait for the next major tournament we qualify for and go to that one. At this rate, it’s going to be the 2056 World Cup and I’ll be taking my grandkids.
I used to love being at Hampden and so now, to get the opportunity to do things pitchside is fantastic. For me, that’s the closest I’ll ever get to playing for Scotland and it’s completely thrilling. And it has to be said that the Scotland fans are the best in the world. I also hosted the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony in 2014 which was an amazing experience. Everything had come full circle. I could see Hampden from my bedroom window when I was a kid and then there I was, on the pitch as part of one of the greatest sporting events that Scotland has ever hosted. It was like a dream – when I was a kid watching some guff football at Hampden, I’d never have thought that I’d be in the same stadium a few years later introducing Kylie Minogue to an audience of a billion people. Although nothing brings you back down to earth quite like looking down and seeing a Scottie dog do its business in front of you. Nothing sums up my relationship with Scottish sport more than that scenario.
Des Clarke is a stand-up comedian who presents the Capital FM Breakfast Show and also fronts BBC Radio Scotland’s ‘Breaking the News’.
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