HOWZAT! As W G Grace once noted, “a cricketer’s life is a life of splendid freedom, healthy effort, endless variety and delightful good fellowship.” Why, it sounds just like a day on The Herald’s sports desk. “No it doesn’t,” muttered the sports editor before grumbling something about silly mid-off. Well, it ended with ‘off’ anyway. The diarist has never had a great knowledge of cricket. I thought, for instance, that Wisden’s Almanack was a waterproof jacket.

But wait. After Scotland hit England for six with an historic victory the other day, we are apparently all now passionate cricketing lovers and experts. Safyaan Sharif’s in-swinging yorker which pinned England’s last man was the best bowl since Tattie Marshall at Glasgow 2014. Cue scenes of unbridled jubilation. Even the rigid denizens of douce Stockbridge, a place so posh they spray the herbaceous borders with Champagne, could be heard hollering “come in and have your tea” as they lowered the drawbridges.

This was Scotland’s finest cricketing day. “I tend to think that cricket is the greatest thing God ever created on earth – certainly greater than sex, although sex isn’t too bad either,” said Harold Pinter back in the day. “What do you make of the Duckworth-Lewis Method?,” asked the aforementioned heid of sport with Pinter-esque curiosity. “I’m having enough problems attempting manoeuvres from the Kama Sutra to be honest,” responded the diarist with a pained grimace . . .

ACCORDING to some number-crunchers working in a subterranean laboratory, England have a four per cent chance of winning the World Cup. That’s probably quadruple the percentage of Scots wanting them to win it. The mathematicians worked out the probability of a win/draw/defeat based on the ranking of each side at Russia 2018 with calculations based on one million simulations. The same number of simulations Dele Alli makes in the box then?

THERE was much excited chatter in Lanarkshire this week when the former Hamilton Accies mediocrity Luis Rubiales, who is now the president of the Spanish Football Federation, sacked national team coach Julen Lopetegui just 36 hours before the start of the World Cup. The fevered talk in the Academical Vaults boozer is that Adrian Sprott is now being lined up for the Spain job. Watch this space . . .

SANTIAGO Bernabeu, Camp Nou, The Maracana, Glebe Park . . . The global game is awash with venerated stadium names that have stood the test of time. To this celebrated list we can now add The Simple Digital Arena, the new name for St Mirren’s park. Judging by the behaviour of certain fitba’ fans, there are plenty grounds around the country that could be rebranded The Slack-jawed Simpletons Arena.

ALL roads have led to Dundee this week for the World Karate Championships. This ancient, noble art began as a common fighting system among the Pechin class of the Ryukyuans. Evidence of this can still be witnessed at shutting time in the pubs of Fintry. Old techniques like Hojo Oshi, Mawashi Zuki and Yoki Geri Keage have been getting dished out in chopping, kicking abandon. One visiting competitor, meanwhile, thought he’d been challenged to a duel as he gazed at an Evening Telegraph in a local shop. “Eh’ll tak-aTully,” said the newsagent before being flattened by a Choku Zuki to the groin.

ON this June date in 1927, the Silver Scot, Tommy Armour, finished tied at the top in the US Open and went on to win an 18-hole play-off the following day. A week later, in the Shawnee Open, golf’s fickle fortunes visited Edinburgh-born Tommy when he racked up 23 blows on a par-five. One scribe described Armour as “the greatest iron player, the greatest raconteur, the greatest drinker and the greatest and most expensive teacher in golf.” His book, ‘How to play your best golf all the time’ flew off the shelves. Funnily enough, that bears a resemblance to the diarist’s latest literary sideline: ‘How to play your worst golf all the time’.