I HAVE been the subject of a recruitment campaign. The first since that nice Mr Saddam wanted me as a human shield. I was proposed for that duty by the sports desk. Thoughtful bunch.
Now a think tank has enlisted me to investigate the possibility of summer football in Scotland. Their chappie said the remit was about the challenges facing the game, the opportunities that arise, going forward, as a pathway for development of the game, going forward. It is what it is, we are where we are, and I am where I am, on the pathway, but not going forward, having stopped for a p after standing in a q.
I dropped my Scrabble box.
The think tank wallah said: "Shuggles, you are the man who puts fun into dysfunctional, tube into tuber and the con into consultant. So we will hire you to do the due diligence on summer football."
I am, indeed, a veteran of summer football. These matches were where, in Mafia speak, I made my bones. They were also, in casualty speak, where I broke my bones. Summer football had a precise culture. It was usually found under the scab protecting yet another wound from a bone-hard pitch.
But there are rules and regulations covering summer football that make it a distinct sport.
Here are the 10 reasons why it will never work in Scotland professionally.
10 There is a distinct lack of venues. Schools now have better security than the White House. If a playground is unavailable, all summer football games must be played on a patch of land, bordered by a burn, preferably one that is used for sewage purposes.
9 The use of customary football grounds is not advised. There would be problems of access for the visits of ice-cream vans that are necessary to punctuate games that can stretch to six-hours plus. They also provide the necessary hydration. This included one bottle of "ginger" that is passed around so many mouths that when it has done its rounds it contains more floating life than SeaWorld in Florida.
8 The provision of the match ball will cause problems for SPFL clubs. One of the rules of summer football is that the richest, most spoiled guy has the best ball. This is fair enough, given that it conforms to the hegemony of capitalism (a bit of a buzz phrase on the playing fields of Busby in the 1960s). But it may cause problems when, in a reprise of the sixties, the clubs decide to take the ball home in the middle of a game when they are getting beat or have been "hacked".
7 A date, too, has to be found for the all-star match. This is normally played in Benidorm during the Glasgow Fair. The challengers are comprised of a team of waiters while the all-stars consist of the big unit from Barlanark who always fancies a shot, normally an alcoholic one, the midfielder from Cumnock who could have been big in the Premier League but is now absurdly big in a fake Barca top, and the precocious wee boy from Cardenden who does not realise he is three steps from being given resuscitation after a collision with the Cumnock Kaka.
6 There will be a commercial impact to summer football. One side routinely plays "taps aff", thus restricting the sale of replica strips. The sartorial make-up of the team, though, offers a retail opportunity. The Sloppy Joe (we never knew what it meant either) could enjoy a comeback. This was a T-shirt so cheap it made Primark look like Dolce & Gabbana. The high-priced, branded football boot faces a threat, too, to be replaced by the Guttie. This was a rudimentary training shoe that was at its best when the sole came unglued, creating a sight that resembled the flapping tongue of a very thirsty, even rabid dug.
5 There is a problem regarding scorelines. The 12-half-time, 25-the-winner rule has been ruled out by betting companies as unworkable, particularly in regards to correct score betting. Similarly, the ad-hoc rule of "next goal's the winner" could cause chaos with television scheduling.
4 The cost of goal-line technology is prohibited. A version of Hawkeye, called Och Aye, would also fail to settle disputes over whether the ball went over the jersey.
3 Player registrations make it impossible for one team to take the other side's best player at half-time so as to keep the game competitive.
2 The liberalisation of licensing hours means there can be no substitutes from among the hordes of men leaving the afternoon session and killing time before the 5pm resumption of tippling.
1 Football clubs would face extra employment costs, particularly in enlisting a large wumman whose job would be to march down to pitchside as a match entered time added-on to roar: "That's it, if ye are not coming awf noo there is nae tea for ye and I will take ma hand aff yir coupon." This, incidentally, means she will place hand on said coupon. Repeatedly.
Hugh MacDonald will be chairing The State of
the Scottish Football Nation event at the
Aye Write festival on Monday, featuring
Ron Ferguson, Aidan Smith, Alan Bissett and Stuart Donald. Tickets: www.ayewrite.com
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