Out of the mouth of babes...

 

Now this is meant to be followed by a piece of wisdom, though in my experience babes tend to use the orifice in the middle of their puss for inflicting more tangible objects on the waiting world. My laddie, for example, had a penchant for projectile vomiting that made that lassie in The Exorcist looks just mildly nauseous. Thankfully, he grew up and stopped. But he was 27 at the time.

However, kids can still come out with the statement that makes one reflect. This happened recently with two lads who put the great in great nephews. Both are normally so wild they have to field requests for filming opportunities from David Attenborough. But one day, more precisely in one minute, they combined to give an insight into life.

The subject was Santa and one great nephew, all of six, expressed a scepticism. Shocked by this misplaced lack of faith, I asked his elder brother what he made of Christmas and Santa in particular. The reply was succinct. ''I believe in Santa all right,'' he said robustly. ''It is Jesus I am not sure about.''

He is thus a prime candidate for the stations of the cross, also known as the experience of a Scottish football fan. There is nothing that tests faith in a beneficent deity more than to enter those cathedrals of football from Methil to Annan, from Paisley to Peterhead, and ponder the meaning of life or even the meaning of the manager's notes in the programme.

There must be a God. There is famine, pestilence, war and the four horsemen of the poke of chips. But these mere trifles are dwarfed by the proofs of the existence of God: the mystery of nature, the existence of occasional bliss and the invention of the square sausage.

Scottish football is, too, definitive proof of the existence of purgatory. But I pray he shows his bounty - or any other chocolate bar - to the Scottish football fan who lives in the seven centres circle of Hell characterised by the bucket. Here are the top 10 prayers to the God of Fitba'.

10. Every bucket seat should be heated and have a television screen with film channels available. One could then turn away from the horror on the pitch to watch something more comforting such as the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan.

9. Every time a defender places the ball on the roof of the stand a supporter is given a fiver. This gives the denizens of Scottish football grounds the chance to take more money out of a club than Charles Green.

8. The should be a blanket move on officiating. All refs should be covered with a blanket to provide more fun and arguments about decisions. Willie Collum, of course, can continue as before.

7. Drinking of alcohol should be allowed in the stands. It should also be allowed on the field of play.

6. There should be special standing areas to increase enjoyment. These should be outside the ground.

5. There should be more pre-match entertainment. Indeed, pre-match entertainment should be extended beyond kick-off time. Old wingers should be invited to take part in Splash! - a diving competition. (I hope I get Davie Wilson in the sweep). There should also be a form of Strictly Come Dancing with, say, Willie McVie pirouetting with John Bomber Brown, the winner being the man who causes the judging panel to do a tango with a distinct communal limp. The X-Factor competition will be restricted to fans who can insert the most number of sweary words into a polysyllabic word.

4. All fans should be allowed to use the remote control on their bucket seat to fast-forward the game.

3. The video recording of fans at matches should be stopped unless they are having a good time. This is unlikely to provide much footage.

2. All qualification for major tournaments should be based exclusively on a coefficient of cholesterol levels, thus ensuring Scotland plays Finland in every final.

1. All SPFL matches should be played in Qatar in the summer. All World Cups should be played in Scotland in winter. That would show them.