"I want a series of the 50 greatest Scottish footballers of all time," he said. "I want something that will talk to the collective unconscious."
As I understand it, the aforementioned "collective unconscious" was the assembled mass of sub-editors who were snoring gently, snuggled up under the weight of my prose.
But the names of 50 great footballers were found after the sort of discussions that ranged from deep to energetic. They were conducted in the piranha pool.
The list, though, caused me to reflect on what makes the great Scottish football fan. And there are many of them. There is a well-known statistic (it once won Big Brother and was only voted off I'm a Celebrity because it could not swallow a logarithm) that more Scots per capita go to games than anywhere else in Europe.
This can be viewed as persuasive evidence of a national madness but it also leads one to proffer advice to those young Scots who want to follow their forefathers into the land of bucket seat.
Here are the top 10 dos and don'ts of football fandom.
10 DO BUY A SEASON TICKET. . .
. . . but be prepared to sit next to a psychopath whose language suggests he is auditioning for a part in a Tarantino film, a Recreation Park Dogs, if you will. Even if you won't. The leaving of said psychopath will provide a feeling of relief on every second Saturday. Priceless.
9 DO NOT LEAVE THE MATCH EARLY
This is selfish: people have to stand up to let you pass and why should your suffering end more quickly than that of others? If you want to avoid the traffic, do not live in the 21st century.
8 DO PARTAKE OF THE CARETING BEFORE THE MATCH
The subsequent queasiness will keep one's mind from obsessing over the full-back who reacts to a dropping ball as if a black mamba has just fallen from a tree.
7 DO PARTAKE OF THE CATERING AT HALF TIME
While ingesting a malodorous burger, one can reflect that one is taking revenge on that failed investment made in the 1.30 at Southfield, in that one of your horsey selection's relatives has made the ultimate sacrifice.
6 DO NOT CRITICISE THE PLAYERS
They are like car engines, train departure boards and flat-pack furniture. Shouting has no effect on them.
5 DO BE SARCASTIC TO THE PLAYERS
It is much less vulgar than the crude roar and it may keep fellow fans from contacting the Samaritans on speed dial. A Wildean shaft can lighten the atmosphere of existential angst that pervades the bucket seats. If one's midfielder finally and incredibly finds a team mate with his pass, one can mutter: "You would think he had done this before." A great save from a feckless keeper was once greeted in laconic fashion by a mate who said: "I have watched him all season and did not realise he was allowed to use his hands."
4 DO NOT GO TO THE PUB before the match You will (a) not make the match or (b) make the match but wish you had settled for (a).
3 DO NOT TAKE YOUR CHILDREN to football I took mine to Stirling Albion for a decade and the subsequent inquiry means they are now known to the social services as Baby A and Baby C. Which is a bit awkward when they are signing on.
2 DO NOT TRAVEL IN SUPPORTERS' BUSES BEYONG THE AGE OF 18
The toilet arrangements are an invitation to Mr Cholera to come visiting and stay for the weekend. The bus itself is driven by the sort of chap who believes he is Keanu Reeves in Speed but who is, in fact, Jimmy Tosser on speed. It will be parked so far from the ground that, if you walk around the corner, you are home. It will also be a Bernard Manning bus. Big, noisy and dirty.
1 DO NOT ENJOY YOURSELF AT THE MATCH
This defeats the entire purpose of going to a game. Scottish football is there to make the rest of life seem bearable. Always walk into your local with an expression that suggests you have just been at the funeral of your best mate, who passed away without telling you where he had put that winning lottery ticket you gave him the money for at an away match in Montrose. When asked what's up, just reply: "I was at the gemme." Everyone will understand.
