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Ten top tips for how survive the 'friendly' Commonwealth Games

WON'T hear a bad word said about Glasgow taxi drivers.

THE HEALTHY OPTION: Square sausage; the bit of an unknown animal that other animals will not eat. Picture: Stewart Attwood
THE HEALTHY OPTION: Square sausage; the bit of an unknown animal that other animals will not eat. Picture: Stewart Attwood

I have mastoids in both my lugs. And my balaclava is made of lead. But it seems curious that there is an initiative (in my experience a posh word for a plan doomed to failure) to educate citizens in the fair city on the Clyde on how to be courteous. This is outrageous. We Glaswegians pride ourselves on being the friendliest people in the world and we will beat up anybody who disagrees.

It is all about the Commonwealth Games, of course. These have the tag line the friendly games and this is strange given that all the Commonwealth countries have been pillaged and abused by Great Britain plc but, hey ho, that is the fun of colonialism, one supposes.

The move to be friendly repeats that staged in London for the Olympic Games of 2012. This was a heroic effort. Londoners do not talk to each other and have a disdain for tourists which is curiously heart-warming and unbending. They even have a sign on the Tube discouraging a chat. It reads: "Patrons are reminded that sexual intercourse is banned on this carriage because it could lead to conversation."

But the punters heading to Glesca for the Commonwealth Games are assured a warm welcome for what will be a marvellous occasion. The Glaswegian was born funny. But that was all sorted by the midwife and a rubber mallet.

Visitors are invited to enjoy the Games and indulge in the patter. But they may benefit from the following 10 top tips to enjoy your time on the greatest city on the Clyde this side of Bowling.

10Trips down Sauchiehall Street at night should only be undertaken with a specialist guide and with all inoculations taken. On particularly boisterous evenings, tourists may wish to hire a canoe to negotiate the effluent from the more raucous parts of the road.

9Those of a cultural mien or hip cats with a cultural miaouw should be careful with any reference to Charles Rennie Mackintosh. Half the city believes he was an artistic genius. The other half thinks Charles Rennie Mackintosh was Third Lanark's best half-back line.

8There are a series of dietary tips. Breakfast normally consists of a block of congealed fat held together by bits of animal that won't be eaten by another animal and cannot be used in the manufacture of candles. These are fried to increase the fat content to a footballer's 110%. They are then covered in brown sludge and placed between a brioche that has been slightly burnt. This is called a roll and square sausage.

7The queues one will see forming throughout the city are for lunch in fast-food outlets. They go by various names but are jointly known by health experts as the Medellin cartel of saturated fat.

6To partake in local dining in true Glesca style, one is required to digest the sort of quantities of alcohol that Alphonse Capone supplied during the heady days of Prohibition. This has the beneficial effect of making any takeaway meal seem like larks' tongues in aspic. This is particularly merciful when confronted by a doner kebab. This essentially looks like the sort of species that was featured in the last reel of Men in Black.

5Do not stand outside a shop with your takeaway coffee. Someone might put some spare change in it.

4Do not listen to the pleas of the remnants of a human being who claims he has lost all his money and needs his train fare home. This seemingly heartless advice is offered for two reasons. First, the mendicant will almost certainly be me. Second, I have a rail pass for the duration of the Games.

3Do not be put off by the Glesca diction. Sometimes natives will sound as if they are chewing a brick. This is because they will be chewing a brick.

2Do not be alarmed by the cloud of ash descending on low-lying areas from the top of High Street. This is not the eruption of a dormant volcano but merely the side effect of those huddled masses smoking outside the Royal Infirmary.

1Do not answer the following questions: (a) what team do you support? (b) what would you vote in the referendum? and (c) are you looking at my bird?

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