The alternative opening ceremony – less dancing, more tut-tutting

Hugh Macdonald

Chief Sports Writer

Saturday 28 July 2012

THIS column contains no reference to last night's Olympics opening ceremony for two reasons.

The opening ceremony gets into full swing with some synchronised queueing. Picture: Herald Archive

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Hugh MacDonald

First, deadlines dictate this was written (yes, and that is what I do call it) before the ceremony took place. Second, even if it wasn't, I would have forgotten anything that happened at the whole whizz-bang, dancing firework show anyway.

I am Scottish. I do not do opening ceremonies. Now, I love dancing, glitz, a dod of extravaganza and a bit of music. I could sit and watch Singing in the Ring all day, particularly when there is a column to write. But opening ceremonies are just daft. Why put sport and a musical together? I mean, if you headed for a West End show you would not expect it to be preceded with an opening ceremony of a game of fives would you? Well, unless it was my mate Tam's stag do.So I have never appreciated why a World Cup or an Olympics needed to be introduced by the sort of entertainment that rightfully put an end to Vaudeville. One is not going to be entertained by a confection of Lorenz Hart or Sammy Cahn. Busby Berkely is not going to choreograph the dancing, after all he has the synchronised swimming to produce.Yet the productions have become more elaborate, more desperately expensive. America, for example, has turned down the chance to host another Olympics because the cost may prohibit them from invading another country.There will be those who protest that opening ceremonies are good fun, harm nobody and can entertain. The only reply to this must be: "Yes, so why are they linked with sport?"My ideas for London 2012's first act have been sent to Danny Boyle, the film director who brought last night's party together. By now you will know just how many of my inspired notions he used. Instead of the synchronised dancing that marked out Beijing as special, my idea was to have synchronised queueing, which is the very highlight of English life. There should be, too, a series of mass tut-tuttings. These would be aimed in chorus at those who jumped the queue, those who placed their towels over a series of seats and those who complained about spending their holiday money on watching an opening ceremony that was as naff as David Beckham.The final dramatic chorus of tut-tutting would come as a group of youngsters attempted to prise the JumboTron television from its fixed setting. The countryside motif in the show – which has been much-heralded – has been written by myself. It shows two people sitting beside a caravan in a layby off the A1 eating sliced ham sandwiches and murmuring that it is nice for the time of year. The London city scene shows a group of pin-striped bankers repossessing parts of the stadium while adjusting the price of tickets to extract the maximum profit.The Boyle extravaganza will be all show. This is no bad thing but the Austerity Olympics deserves something more suitable. How's this for a way to tell the Olympics to get on to the starting line? Prince Philip drives the Queen into the stadium in a Hackney cab. He emerges from behind the wheel to state he never goes south of the river and the last time the royal family was in the East End was during the Blitz and, frankly, it looked better then. He stares at all the athletes and makes a series of deeply unfortunate remarks about eyes, accents, colour and faiths.He then prods Her Majesty to wheeze her way up the stairs, where she lights the Eternal Flame which is promptly extinguished because of health and safety concerns. David Cameron, who has just made it to the stadium after mince pies and champers with all his mates who are out on bail, then hands her a huge pair of scissors and Liz cuts the big pink ribbon (or Nick Clegg as he insists on being called). She then intones: "I declare these Games open."All the athletes go to bed and then get up to run, jump, fight, skip and hit spherical objects with a variety of sticks. The public is spared an opening ceremony. The £80m thus saved could be spent on something frivolous, such as a children's hospice.

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The alternative opening ceremony – less dancing, more tut-tutting

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