I've been told by the sports desk bald that I look like a gruff Adolf Hitler.

To which I replied: "Well, at least I have enough hair to look like a gruff Adolf Hitler."

You might look like a lunatic despot, too, if you were an inveterate gambling addict, Tottenham fan and father of a three-year-old who thinks that "sleepy time" starts at 10pm and ends before the cockerel crows. No, not that cockerel, the other one, the one that's actually a woodpecker.

As alarm calls go, I'd rather wake up to a punch in the face than Woody slamming his beak off the nearest tree but that's the drill most mornings Chez Tenner Bet – Woody pecking or Wee Fiver punching (usually in the face but not always) taking over the bedroom and thus bringing an appearance on Embarassing Bodies closer by the sleepless night. And so we explain the visage, which fitted right in at Ayr races last weekend.

Ne'er a greater, nor drunker, motley crew can ever have assembled at a course on this island than Grand National day at Ayr, a place where the eff word is handed out as liberally as crumpled fivers to the nearest tick-tacker and the women look as if they are dressed for a travellers' wedding.

From the moment we were held up in traffic on the way into Ayr town centre to being directed to the wrong car park, I knew it was going to be one of those days and I told Mrs Tenner Bet as much.

There was a missed bet in the first race due to the motorway delays, a hastily picked bet which came down to two choices in the second (the other one won) and two winners which meant that we were slightly ahead as the big one approached with all hopes pinned on Monsieur Cadou. Oui, oui? Non, non. Let's just say the British Horseracing Authority will not be investigating Tom George's stable for evidence of any performance enhancing drugs. That said, the winner Godsmejudge bucked just about every trend going.

That won't deter another stab at the gee gees this weekend, so heads down, form and trends book out and tell Wee Fiver to cancel that alarm call.

THE RACE

The bet365 Gold Cup is the feature this weekend and contains a number of horses we have become intimate with – not in the Equus sense you understand – in recent weeks for the last big jumps meeting of the season. As usual, I've spent the last few days poring over the stats and used the kind of parameters regulars of this column will now be familiar with. They are trends that have helped post a 16-1 third in the Grand National and a 25/1 third in the Scottish equivalent.

Having crunched the crucial numbers, three horses make the grade: Away We Go, Mr Moss and Dover's Hill.

THE BET

Preference is for Willie Mullins' Irish National second Away We Go (9/1, bet365) who falls down on a key trend or two but makes his debut in Britain and commands respect. Otherwise, Mr Moss (12/1, general) is another who fits the profile while Dover's Hill (25/1, general) must be excused an extended absence if he is to be worthy of each-way consideration.

SEASON'S TOTAL

Mister Marker's third and Rose Of The Moon's withdrawal from the Grand National means we're £6 better off for a profit of £78.97.