Why ex-players should just move over and let the professionals in . . .

Wednesday 6 March 2013

In the luxurious confines of the Murrayfield press box, enjoying the fine wines and canapes that are served up with such admirably discreet efficiency by liveried members of the SRU communications team, it is all too easy to forget that others view the RBS 6 Nations from rather less privileged vantage points.

The late Bill McLaren set the bar very high in the commentary box. Picture: Steve Cox

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So there was a kind of perverse fascination about the prospect of spending the afternoon in my own living room – slumming it, in other words – a week past Saturday. As Scotland would not be playing until the next day, it was a chance to park myself in front of the television and take in a couple of Test matches without the tiresome inconvenience of actually being there.

First up was Italy against Wales from Rome, with England's match with France to follow. And so, at just before 2.30pm, I settled into my armchair and waited for the show to begin. For the first few minutes, there was no reason to suspect that anything was awry. Ayrshire's own Andrew Cotter was the lead commentator, with Jonathan Davies, the former Wales fly-half, as the expert summariser. As the game got under way, all seemed fine, save perhaps for the fact that Cotter seemed to be picking his words even more carefully than usual.We would soon know why. As the game approached the four-minute mark, Cotter uttered his last words – a reference to Italy centre Gonzalo Canale if I recall – before falling completely silent. "We'll have to excuse Andrew Cotter," said Davies, almost a minute later. "He's not feeling very well."Davies is a fluent Welsh speaker and, clearly, a master of euphemism as well. For at that very moment, Cotter was hurtling towards a bathroom somewhere in the, er, bowels of the Stadio Olimpico to say goodbye to his breakfast. The Croon from Troon was in a bad way, the victim of the norovirus bug. At this point, it fell to Davies to take over the commentary duties. Now, I'm not going to revel in the fellow's shortcomings in the role, not least because he made a far better fist of the job than I ever could, but the next 35 minutes added up to one of the stranger aural experiences a sports fan could ever go through. There were a lot of ums and ahs. There were a lot of elongated vowel sounds. The business of actually identifying players rather fell by the wayside. "Hopefully, we will find a commentator in the stadium for the second half," gasped Davies when the referee blew for half-time. "I'm going to have a lie down now."Funnily enough, they did find another commentator. The hugely experienced Huw Llewelyn Davies, who had been providing the Welsh language commentary for S4C up to that point, was asked to fill in – and wouldn't you just love to have been in his bargaining position? – and duly agreed. He slipped into the role more smoothly than Roger Moore gliding into a bath of baby oil, and normal service was resumed.Once again, we had a professional broadcaster doing a professional broadcaster's job. And showing, beyond all doubt, that it is no job for an amateur. Live television is rabbits-in-the-headlights stuff, a high-wire act. You have to be ready for anything.The mind slipped back to another living room, just over 11 years ago. Bill McLaren had made it known that the 2002 Six Nations would be his swansong, and as he sat in his comfortable home in Hawick he was happy to share a few tricks of his trade. Bill brought out one of his 'big sheets', those marvellous works of scholarship and dedication on which he charted all the details he might need ahead of a game. "I'll only use a fraction of what's here," he said. "But it's nice to know I have it all at my fingertips."Two weeks ago, a statue of McLaren, who passed away in 2010, was unveiled in Hawick's Wilton Lodge Park. "Nobody did it like Bill McLaren," said Radio Scotland commentator Bill Johnstone, who also happens to be McLaren's nephew, after the ceremony. "We're all very third-rate compared to him. He was the master."Too modest. Johnstone's own commentaries, like those of Cotter and Llewelyn Davies, demonstrate a degree of seriousness and professionalism that McLaren would have admired. But what of the BBC's wider approach to covering rugby? Can they honestly say they are honouring tradition? Hardly. A few weeks ago, the BBC announced that Clive Woodward would be joining their team of experts [sic] for this year's Six Nations. I've long considered Woodward to be the longest-running vanity project in sport, but I was prepared to cut him some slack as I settled down for the England v France match, the second slice of my televisual feast.But his input – or, rather, lack of it – was staggering. Like almost every other member of the squawking chorus of former players and coaches who soak up airtime, his comments were borderline inane, all statements of the bleeding obvious. But, hey, Clive, nice work if you can get it. Our anger should be directed at the Corporation, for their obsession with celebrities – the press release announcing Woodward's arrival named 13 other former international players in team BBC's coverage – above professional communicators. Cotter was not the only one feeling queasy at the end of that day.

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Why ex-players should just move over and let the professionals in . . .

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