Inn for the Orange

seeks new keeper

A PIECE of Scotland's history has been put up for sale. Actually, it's

a piece of Kilwinning history which, for the Herald Diary, amounts to

the same thing.

The Winton Arms Hotel in Kilwinning has been put on the market. The

Winton is the cultural epicentre of Scotland's erstwhile Burgh of

Culture. To be more exact, it is a staunchly Orange establishment where

Catholics fear to tread. Or, if they tread, they keep their

left-treadedness to themselves.

There are many stories about the Winton's religious house rules, some

of them true. Such as:

The regular customer who turned up wearing a green jersey and was sent

home to change with the words ''You should know better'' ringing in his

ears.

The honeymoon couple whose overnight stay was cut short when they

asked what time Mass was on Sunday.

The plain-clothes priest whose pint was taken away and money returned

when his identity was discovered.

The Winton is owned and run by Lily McCaffer whose amiable manner on

the telephone casts doubt on her fierce reputation as a non-surrendering

mine host. ''There are lots of stories about the Winton. I never bother

denying them.

''It may have been the case years ago when my mother ran the place but

I'm not that biased,'' said Lily, the latest of the line of matriarchs

who have run the Winton for about 35 years.

''Mind you, I never wear green because it's unlucky.''

The hotel, complete with picture of the Queen above the gantry (but

not the King Billy banner which disintegrated through age and was never

replaced) is for sale at offers over #200,000.

In answer to the big question, Lily said yes, she will sell it to a

Catholic if the offer is right. ''I'd even sell out to Salman Rushdie if

he came up with the money,'' said Lily.

Kilwinning Postscript: There must be some sort of bravery award due to

the Hurlford United goalkeeper who turned to the crowd during a recent

Ayrshire Cup tie, and made the sign of the cross in full view of the

home Kilwinning crowd. Yes, he survived the attentions of the sundry

Kilwinningites who came on to the park to discuss the matter with him.

Unhealthy example

IT will not have escaped the attention of the average TV viewer that

Scottish Television has embarked upon a campaign to improve our health.

Taking some of their own medicine, the staff of the programme Scottish

Action on Health went through various tests including that for

cholesterol level.

When it came the turn of director Dermott McQuarrie, his cholesterol

reading almost went off the Richter scale or whatever scale is used for

measuring these fatty offenders in the blood. The average should be

about five. His reading was more than 11.

The programme doctor reassured an ashen-faced McQuarrie that he looked

fit enough and that the condition was not due to his lifestyle but may

be something to do with his genes. Nevertheless, Dermott is now

following the programme's advice. Out goes his favourite breakfast dish

of eggs (at least 14 a week) to be replaced by porridge and other

high-fibre foods. Lunch and dinner is now chicken and salad.

In two weeks his cholesterol count is down two points and Dermott is

determined to get it even lower. A perfect example of Scottish action on

Health.

Puzzle in a word

THE Bampot Controversy continues. We reported how the English media

were confused by the use of the word bampot by the Lothian firemaster to

describe the animal liberation people responsible for the recent fire at

laboratories in Edinburgh. They were told that it was a Scottish word

for idiot.

Mr J. C Cairns of Cumnock weighed in with the information that a

bampot was a section of bamboo packed with explosive and used as a

grenade. Now Mr Gerry Monaghan of Airdrie insists a bampot is the bowl

or receptacle in a dry toilet. A bamstick is the stick used to remove

the aforesaid bampot for the purpose of emptying.

We have searched in a number of dictionaries for the definitive

version of bampot but it doesn't seem to exist. It seems this bampot

version of Call My Bluff is not over yet.

Wet crossing

EVEN Orcadians are aghast at the plans to run a roll-on, roll-off

ferry across the narrowest part of the Pentland Firth between Burwick,

South Ronaldsay and Gills Bay near John o' Groats.

The North Sea pilot, describes the notorious stretch thus: ''When a

swell is opposed to the tidal stream a sea is raised which can scarcely

be imagined by those who have never experienced it and the vessel may

become unmanageable.'' The coastal navigation ''Bible'' also remarks on

the ''tremendous violence'' of the crossing and the extraordinarily

rapid changes in the sea which explain why ''the largest vessel may be

twisted round with considerable velocity.''

Undaunted, however, local businessmen have persuaded Orkney Council

and Highland Region to build piers and a ship is building. A competition

is going on at the moment to find a name for it. Frontrunner in South

Ronaldsay is MV Carwash.

The Name Game

Personnel manager of the Majestic Wine Warehouses Ltd of London is one

Clare Bacchus.

Engraving the

archbishop's silver

DEBRETT fans will be pleased to hear that the arcane world of heraldry

has ensnared the Catholic Church in Scotland with the announcement that

the archdiocese of St Andrews and Edinburgh has been granted armorial

bearings by the Lord Lyon King of Arms.

''Azure a Saltire Argent charged on each of the upper limbs with a

Cross Paty fitch Sable and at the centre a representation of Edinburgh

castle as in the Arms of the City'' is the official description of the

emblem the archbishop can now have engraved on his silverware.

The Lord Lyon has acted on the advice of two acolytes who recently

decided that neither the Union nor the favoured position of the Church

of England in the realm of Lord Lyon's top boss will be threatened by

the move.

The acolytes are, of course, the Murray of Mastrick, Slains Pursuivant

of Arms to the Earl of Errol, and the Kintyre Pursuivant at the Court of

the Lord Lyon.

Can you imagine their business cards?

Our South Atlantic correspondent sends us this car sticker promoting

the Falkland Islands Broadcasting Service. We trust their news bulletins

don't live up their acronym.