Inn for the Orange
seeks new keeper
A PIECE of Scotland's history has been put up for sale. Actually, it's
a piece of Kilwinning history which, for the Herald Diary, amounts to
the same thing.
The Winton Arms Hotel in Kilwinning has been put on the market. The
Winton is the cultural epicentre of Scotland's erstwhile Burgh of
Culture. To be more exact, it is a staunchly Orange establishment where
Catholics fear to tread. Or, if they tread, they keep their
left-treadedness to themselves.
There are many stories about the Winton's religious house rules, some
of them true. Such as:
The regular customer who turned up wearing a green jersey and was sent
home to change with the words ''You should know better'' ringing in his
ears.
The honeymoon couple whose overnight stay was cut short when they
asked what time Mass was on Sunday.
The plain-clothes priest whose pint was taken away and money returned
when his identity was discovered.
The Winton is owned and run by Lily McCaffer whose amiable manner on
the telephone casts doubt on her fierce reputation as a non-surrendering
mine host. ''There are lots of stories about the Winton. I never bother
denying them.
''It may have been the case years ago when my mother ran the place but
I'm not that biased,'' said Lily, the latest of the line of matriarchs
who have run the Winton for about 35 years.
''Mind you, I never wear green because it's unlucky.''
The hotel, complete with picture of the Queen above the gantry (but
not the King Billy banner which disintegrated through age and was never
replaced) is for sale at offers over #200,000.
In answer to the big question, Lily said yes, she will sell it to a
Catholic if the offer is right. ''I'd even sell out to Salman Rushdie if
he came up with the money,'' said Lily.
Kilwinning Postscript: There must be some sort of bravery award due to
the Hurlford United goalkeeper who turned to the crowd during a recent
Ayrshire Cup tie, and made the sign of the cross in full view of the
home Kilwinning crowd. Yes, he survived the attentions of the sundry
Kilwinningites who came on to the park to discuss the matter with him.
Unhealthy example
IT will not have escaped the attention of the average TV viewer that
Scottish Television has embarked upon a campaign to improve our health.
Taking some of their own medicine, the staff of the programme Scottish
Action on Health went through various tests including that for
cholesterol level.
When it came the turn of director Dermott McQuarrie, his cholesterol
reading almost went off the Richter scale or whatever scale is used for
measuring these fatty offenders in the blood. The average should be
about five. His reading was more than 11.
The programme doctor reassured an ashen-faced McQuarrie that he looked
fit enough and that the condition was not due to his lifestyle but may
be something to do with his genes. Nevertheless, Dermott is now
following the programme's advice. Out goes his favourite breakfast dish
of eggs (at least 14 a week) to be replaced by porridge and other
high-fibre foods. Lunch and dinner is now chicken and salad.
In two weeks his cholesterol count is down two points and Dermott is
determined to get it even lower. A perfect example of Scottish action on
Health.
Puzzle in a word
THE Bampot Controversy continues. We reported how the English media
were confused by the use of the word bampot by the Lothian firemaster to
describe the animal liberation people responsible for the recent fire at
laboratories in Edinburgh. They were told that it was a Scottish word
for idiot.
Mr J. C Cairns of Cumnock weighed in with the information that a
bampot was a section of bamboo packed with explosive and used as a
grenade. Now Mr Gerry Monaghan of Airdrie insists a bampot is the bowl
or receptacle in a dry toilet. A bamstick is the stick used to remove
the aforesaid bampot for the purpose of emptying.
We have searched in a number of dictionaries for the definitive
version of bampot but it doesn't seem to exist. It seems this bampot
version of Call My Bluff is not over yet.
Wet crossing
EVEN Orcadians are aghast at the plans to run a roll-on, roll-off
ferry across the narrowest part of the Pentland Firth between Burwick,
South Ronaldsay and Gills Bay near John o' Groats.
The North Sea pilot, describes the notorious stretch thus: ''When a
swell is opposed to the tidal stream a sea is raised which can scarcely
be imagined by those who have never experienced it and the vessel may
become unmanageable.'' The coastal navigation ''Bible'' also remarks on
the ''tremendous violence'' of the crossing and the extraordinarily
rapid changes in the sea which explain why ''the largest vessel may be
twisted round with considerable velocity.''
Undaunted, however, local businessmen have persuaded Orkney Council
and Highland Region to build piers and a ship is building. A competition
is going on at the moment to find a name for it. Frontrunner in South
Ronaldsay is MV Carwash.
The Name Game
Personnel manager of the Majestic Wine Warehouses Ltd of London is one
Clare Bacchus.
Engraving the
archbishop's silver
DEBRETT fans will be pleased to hear that the arcane world of heraldry
has ensnared the Catholic Church in Scotland with the announcement that
the archdiocese of St Andrews and Edinburgh has been granted armorial
bearings by the Lord Lyon King of Arms.
''Azure a Saltire Argent charged on each of the upper limbs with a
Cross Paty fitch Sable and at the centre a representation of Edinburgh
castle as in the Arms of the City'' is the official description of the
emblem the archbishop can now have engraved on his silverware.
The Lord Lyon has acted on the advice of two acolytes who recently
decided that neither the Union nor the favoured position of the Church
of England in the realm of Lord Lyon's top boss will be threatened by
the move.
The acolytes are, of course, the Murray of Mastrick, Slains Pursuivant
of Arms to the Earl of Errol, and the Kintyre Pursuivant at the Court of
the Lord Lyon.
Can you imagine their business cards?
Our South Atlantic correspondent sends us this car sticker promoting
the Falkland Islands Broadcasting Service. We trust their news bulletins
don't live up their acronym.
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