THE DIARY WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 31, 2008
AT this time of year, Airdrie man Jim Cook reflects on his life in the 1960s as a fitter employed by Scottish Gas.
Back then, Christmas was a normal working day, and Jim recalls one luckless colleague turning up for his Yuletide shift to be handed a list of bad-debt defaulters along with orders to curtail their domestic fuel supply.
Says Jim: "I suppose our insensitive supervisor's thinking was that this was the one day of the year on which most people would be at home Merry Christmas, I'm here to cut off your gas."
Got his number
READER Frank O'Donnell tells us of retired licensee Andy McLatchie, latterly of the Golf Inn, Auchterarder, who was once persuaded to buy a customer a hauf and a hauf.
The chap in question had proudly announced: "I'm 62 today." Having thanked his benefactor, the wily toper swiftly downed his drinks, before continuing: "And I'm two till 10 tomorrow."
Ah, shiftless shift-workers.
Finger of blame
CROFTAMIE historian Sion Barrington gave a reading in Strachur concerning the Rev Ebenezer Erskine, tragically tasked centuries before with conducting his own wife's funeral.
The burial process was later disturbed by the unscrupulous sexton. He opened the unfortunate young woman's coffin, stealing her wedding ring by hacking off her finger with a knife - whereupon the "corpse" sat up, having merely been comatose, going on to recover completely.
One of Mrs Erskine's descendants was in Sion's audience, pointing out that the gravedigger had, in fact, severed her apparently-lifeless finger with his spade, the ring remaining a treasured Erskine family heirloom.
Out of politenesss, Sion refrained from asking about the finger.
The cup losers
GLASGOW clergyman Bill Shackleton is intrigued by a newspaper report on last weekend's towsy Aberdeen v Hearts game: "The 'keeper was in the firing line again in the second half when a paper cup was thrown at him by the home fans."
Noting that the report doesn't detail the full grievous extent of the Hearts goalkeeper's injuries, Rev Shackleton continues: "Throwing paper cups is unusual for Aberdeen fans; normally they fire 50p coins at visiting goalies - expecting to get 45p change thrown back.
"So with no chance of a hot tea refill - milk and two sugars - being returned, the dangerous practice of pitching paper cups at 'keepers is unlikely to continue at Pittodrie."
So switched on
WOMEN and computers, continued.
A delighted Charlie Andrews asserts that, contrary to chauvinist male prejudice, his wife loves her computer and everything to do with computing. Adds Charlie: "Her pet word for me also stems from computers - she calls me Microsoft."
PC survey that isn't
MEANWHILE, another cyber-literate female Diary reader proffers the main findings from the recent internet survey Computer Man - Which Type Are You?
- Disk utility man: the only gadget he can work is his sound system;
- Internet explorer man: most conversant with dodgy websites;
- Quick-time player man: can only hack five-a-side football these days;
- Facebook man: never out of the bathroom in less than 30 minutes;
- Service provider man: an oxymoron;
- Google boy: a bit of a know-all, but occasionally useful.
Sign of the times
PASSING through Glasgow last Saturday, John Clark thrilled to the Zen-like possibilities provided by an announcement on display in the ticketing-office window at Cowcaddens subway station: Ignore this sign till next week.
Weight problem
LIKE the Diary, Alan Hendry, of Glasgow's Jordanhill, deplores all distressing outbreaks of blonde-ism.
We are, therefore, glad to oblige Alan when he asks us not to pass on the tale of the blonde woman who arrived at her local chemist's shop, asking if she needed a special infant scale to weigh a baby.
The sales assistant explained that a mother can readily work out her infant's weight by stepping on to a regular set of bathroom scales while holding baby, then weighing herself alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," replied the blonde. "I'm not the baby's mother - I'm his aunt."
