Walkingdown ByresRoad,Inoticedthis blondegirl.As you do. She was adeadringer for Paris Hilton. Being a trained reporter, I listened as I passed the young lady for any evidence of a transatlantic accent, in case it really was Ms Hilton.

But the tones were pure Glasgow, the vocabulary and delivery verging on the nedette. It was not so much Paris Hilton as Paris Milton.

MiltonistheGlasgowhousing scheme out of which you can take the youngpersonbutwhichimparts behavioural traits you cannot take out of said young person.

It was at this point that I concluded that what Scotland could do with is more home-grown celebrities who are famous merely for being famous. It was not difficult to construct a persona for Paris Milton which is similar to that of Ms Hilton.

Oor Paris is the daughter and heir of a wealthy Glasgow "businessman" whose interests range from taxis to tanning parlours.Shehasdoneabitof modelling, and once was the cover girl on the Grattan catalogue.

Paris M was catapulted to fame and the front page of the Daily Record when her sex video appeared on YouTube. The footage is of remarkable quality considering the action took place up a dunny off Sauchiehall Street and was filmed on a mobile phone. Her publicist's choice of a location under a streetlight helped in this respect.

There was further notoriety when Ms Milton was arrested for being over the legal limit for alcohol while travelling on a late-night bus.

But her career has gone from strengthtostrength.Paris appearedintheSTVreality series A Simple Life in which she went to live with a middle-class family in Milngavie. This made for compulsive viewing as MsMiltonfailedto engage in their lifestyle, being unable to make small talk at coffee mornings and being unwilling to polish the wheelie-bin with Mr Sheen.

Paris was a big hit on the music scene. Her debut CD, Shite! I've Went And Done It Again, reached the top 10 of items shoplifted from HMV.

To sustain a viable Z-list of Scottish celebs we will need more like Paris Milton.Otherpersonaeavailable includeKateMosspark,Sienna Millerston, or even Yoker Ono.

Casting the net wider, is there a wee Scottish lassie called Maris Piper who can emulate her namesake Billie in the fields of singing, being Dr Who's assistant and taking her clothes off for a TV seriesaboutaColl-girl.Sorry,that should be call-girl.

I'm all for a cadre of Scottish celebs, no matter how high or low they may figureonthesocialregister.Aswe become more globalised, it's nice to put a kilt on things from time to time.

Inaneatpieceofadoptionand appropriation, Glasgow City Council has added Scrooge McDuck to its list of famous citizens. The council describes Scrooge McDuck as "the richest duck in the world; Donald Duck's uncle and great uncle to Huey, Dewey and Louie".

The evidence for the duck's Glaswegianship is to be found in a 1996 comic book called The Life And Times Of Scrooge McDuck. It depicts Scrooge as a poor shoeshine boy in Glasgow who stows aboard a ship to the USA to make his fortune.

This is obviously something of a canard. If McDuck really was a Scrooge, he would have been from Paisley. But Shite! I've Went And Digressed.

I have no clue as to the identities of the current batch of the famous-for-being-famous. This is my own fault for deciding some years ago nottoaccreditanynew celebrities.

It was about the same time that I resolved not to read any booksorwatchanyfilms involvingHarryPotter. Anotherwiselifestyle decision was not to enquire as to the rules of Deal Or No Deal.

ForthepurposesofthisarticleI checked out some minor celebs on YouTube. I found a young lady called Charley who, as a consequence of having been on Big Brother, appeared on a special bimbo and big tits edition of The Weakest Link.

Charley was asked by Anne Robinson to venture into mythology and name the term for "a potion which increases sexual desire and is derived from the Greek goddess of love". Charley replied: "Viagra". I suspect Charley was tightly scripted in this instance since we all know the answer is Cialis.

I also sent my two research assistants, Google and Wikipedia, to trawl the websites of magazines such as Heat, Closer, OK and Celebs Gantin Furrit.

One Kerry Katona featured largely. It appears that Ms Katona is partly famous for shopping in Iceland, the freezer place not the country.

I can empathise with Ms Katona. I was once briefly famous for not shopping in Farmfoods. It was when Pat's Guide to Glasgow's West End had a celebrity spotting section.

One of the posters wrote: "Saw Tom Shields from the Herald Diary on Saturday in Farmfoods in Byres Road buying frozen chicken legs. Hope he enjoyed them." This prompted the response: "Did you really see Tom Shields of the Herald Diary buying chicken legs? I would have thought that a man of his highmoralstandingswouldbea vegetarian. Seriously."

I was quite chuffed to be deemed worthy of entry in the celeb-spotting column and moderately pleased to be perceived as a vegetarian of high moral standing.

This celeb watch appears to be no more. It was probably closed after the thousandth report of comedian Phil Kay walking his dog in Kelvingrove Park or Dorothy Paul shopping in Asda.

It would be nice to have the service resumed if only to see references to Paris Milton snogging Justin Timberland up a close in Partick.

But if we are to see our young people achievingsuccessinthefieldof celebrityhood, let us be serious. They will need proper training. Which further education college will be the first to introduce a Higher National Certificate in Being Dead Famous?

STRATHCLYDE Police have been ordered to apologise to a 14-year-old boy whom they lifted for stumbling about drunk at 2.30am and carrying a kitchen knife. I tend to disagree with Mr Jim Martin, Scotland's police complaints commissioner, who issued this judgment.

Byanystandards,lockingupbig lumps of boys who are staggering about drunk at 2.30am carrying large knives is not A Bad Thing. It is A Bad Thing to haveaprecedentthatwhenpolice encounter a drunk teenager wielding a knife in the small hours they should send him on his way with the kindly advice: "Mind how you go".

Ihaveformedthisopinionafter almosthalfacenturyofwatching Glasgow's knife-wielders and people of violence in action. I have survived, so far, without being the victim of attack.

This has been achieved mostly by avoiding trouble spots (which these days sadly include much of the city); by learning to identify potential attackers; and by running away. It was mostly the running away that kept me safe.

I have sympathy for the mother of this teenager. But, as a teacher, she presumably knows something about child behaviour. Before launching a broadside of 16 complaints against the police, she might have paused to look at her own stewardship and ask why her 14-year-old son was out at 2.30am, drunk and carrying an offensive weapon.

It cannot be pleasant to see your boy emerge a bit of a wreck after a weekend in the cells. The mother made much of the scratches and bruises her boy suffered.

I suspect these are the injuries one might expect after being out drunk at 2.30am and being arrested by the police for carrying a knife. If you are "unco-operative, provocative and abusive" as thepoliceclaimed,scratchesand bruises can happen.

That's another thing I learned. Always keep on the right side of the polis. And when in doubt, don't trust to luck; turn around and run like f*** from the two little boys in blue.